( Action; Locked to 1338 Benny )

[Phone]

[Yeah, so, um, somebody is clearly on a downward spiral into the depths of crazy right now, enjoy this call.]

You know, it actually sort of makes sense. This place is the literal definition of hell. It's boring as fuck, interspersed with random bouts of torture, and I'm stuck here with all of you, the sad representatives of a species that is itself a walking reminder of my many, many failures. Guess what, I found religion, let me teach you all about it. The truth is, everything exists in its entirety to punish me, so if things aren't working out so well for you, sorry about that.

And before you helpfully call in to let me know I'm a selfish nookrind secreted out of unwashed orifices of the cosmic personification of self-absorption, I already knew! Here I am, making a pathetic spectacle of myself all over the audio hook, please direct your mockery and loathing my way, that was the whole point of this call.

[A pause.]

Oh, wait, there actually was a point to this call. The point is to do the public service of informing you that the cause of all problems in my and therefore this universe is here in Mayfield. You may think this is hysterical hyperbole, but I helpfully provided an example of the former just moments ago. I'm completely fucking serious about this.

Some of you may not know this, but the human universe was created by me and my friends. I fucked it up good, my bad. Yeah, I really messed things up for you guys, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if this shithole of a virtual human town was somehow related to the previous clusterfuck video game experience I participated in.

But I didn't just develop the capacity to be a universe-ruining fuck up all on my own! I fortunately had help from our good friend Doc Scratch, the same smug douche commemorated in the bowling alley for his prowess in mass killing. Look it up yourself, it's true. Before that, he was also going back to the dawn of my civilization ruining everything, and happened to orchestrate the deaths of everyone I've ever known.

So, yeah, forget my shitty housing list that has never done anyone even a moment of good. My new mission is to fuck up his life as much as he's fucked up mine. Consider yourself informed!

[Phone]

I'm getting really tired of these 'change your history and personality' events. I put down a vote that next event be one of those 'tear out your organs while you're awake' events, I think I prefer those. Who is with me?

Also it goes without saying that I was an obnoxious fucking asshole, like pretty much all highbloods, I guess. Feel free to take issue with it, not least because out of all my many flaws, I never thought that would be one of them.

[Karkat wakes up, only to discover everything is wrong. His regains, his possessions, are all missing. Whoever took them only left a few of his movies, not even his favorites; when it comes to rom, he's always been more interested in gory tragedies than comedies. And whoever stole his things replaced them with absolute shit. Cheap looking husktop, cheap looking sickles, shirts all replaced with a sign that's clearly supposed to be a joke, and none of them would fit Gamzee.

He'd blame Gamzee for this, but the mutant freak is too stupid and useless to even be capable of pulling something like this off. Which means someone else is officially on his shitlist; no one breaks into his hive without permission.

When he speaks on the phone, his anger sounds much more serious than usual; instead of flipping out, he sounds like he's trying to hold back, and his alternating tone makes him sound unstable and erratic.]

[Phone]

What is this? Wait, you know what? No. I don't even care.

Whoever broke into my motherfucking hive, you are in for a world of hurt.

If my paint, and my clothes, and my actual, non-shitty sickle and all of my actual non-shitty things are returned within the next hour, I will bash your head in with my bare fist. It will be relatively quick. It's not a bad way to go, all things considered.

Because any longer than a half hour, and I'll have had time to get creative, and creative is much, much, worse. Trust me on that, my bedroom walls are motherfucking screaming for an update in decor.

((OOC: For the AU event, Karkat has been swapped with an indigo version of himself, who grew up in a highblood mansion by the beach with a seagoat lusus. Of course, he still looks the same, and if he sees his blood, he'll notice it's still red.

Just warning that Karkat in person may be violent or dangerous.))

[Phone]

[For anyone who has been talking to Karkat in the past few weeks, he's definitely been excited for prom, at least in a panicked, overestimation of prom's importance kind of way. But his tone of voice in this call says otherwise; all of his interest in participating was fucked over by Terezi being droned. So Friday afternoon, he'll make an angry call to try and dampen everyone else's spirits.]

Okay, you know what?

Fuck prom. You're all pathetic.

We should be doing something productive, we should be trying to actually win against this place, but no, we have to do human dress up dance party mating rituals. I guess I should be pleased, since no one who ever makes plans here ever accomplishes anything other than holding us back. I guess it's all up to me.

...Haha, just kidding, that was what we call a hilarious joke. There's no point to anything we do, but there's especially no point to this particular display of worthless human garbage. Have fun fucking around, just know that from where I'm sitting you look like a bunch of grubs rolling around in their own shit and thinking it's fun.

[There's the sound of some jostling for the phone and some muttered arguments before John comes on the phone. Or at least, the voice speaking definitely sounds like John's voice, but it sure seems like he woke up on the wrong side of the bed.]

Okay, this is just a message going out to everyone I've ever met. All of you are so stupid that science should study your thinkpans for evidence of life sustained by hostile environments. And because of that, I feel the need to put my hoof down and clear this all up right now before anyone actually falls for the embarrassment that is John pretending to be me, because knowing you would be capable of buying this sad charade would render me physically incapable of ever speaking to you again.

Don't mind Karkat guys, he's just a bit overwhelmed by all the awesome that is being John Egbert. This has to be like a new level for existence of him, I'm honestly kind of jealous right now!

Anyway I've finally solved the mystery of what trolls have in their pants, and let me tell you it is pretty fucking incredible. I am willing to divulge this information to all of you, free of charge, because I am a scientist and this is what we do.

What?

Wait, you--

Why did you look?!

Wow, I hope you enjoyed yourself, I hope you wet your, I mean my, pants with shame once you realized exactly what you've been missing your entire, pitiful, worthless human life. Feel free to make yourself at home in my body in any other way you choose, you rancid shitstain!

Wait you mean you didn't look? Haha, oh man. It's okay, Karkat. I give you full permission to examine my mighty human dong. Try not to examine it too thoroughly though, if you know what I mean. Jesus is watching! Or Troll Jesus, or whatever.

I don't need your permission, nooksniffer, I just choose not to ever do that like a sane rational person! Your human dongs are beneath the base threshold for even my patronizing contempt! Now give me back the audiohook, this transmission has already violated some law of physics regulating the volume of abhorrence a conversation can accrue before it collapses into a black hole of revulsion that will consume all life that still possesses a shred of dignity.

You already looked, didn't you.

[A pause]

Just. hand. me. the. phone.

He basically admitted it. I just want everyone to know that.

[He hands over the phone with considerable reluctance]

And I just want everyone to know how much restraint I'm showing by not strangling John's body to death at this very moment. Good fucking bye.

Truly, you are a saint. Sheesh, so much for his troll hormones being the cause of his crankiness...

((Blue is Karkat in John's body, Grey is John in Karkat's. Replies will come from egjerk (Karkat) and theshooshything (John).))

[Public; Phone]

What a shock, with all of the other pointless bullshit happening around here, everyone is ignoring the musclebeast in the block, leaving me to deal with our impending suffocation via bulbous lactating meatsac.

So, the "census." I know others of you received it too, and mysteriously provided your weaknesses and ammunition against you before it mysteriously disappeared. That thing we involuntarily filled out with our deepest secrets, just like we did last year before they had us fucking hunt each other? Yeah, are we planning on doing anything about that?

For those who have joined us more recently and haven't been paying attention to the audio hook flip outs, I'll graciously explain. Last time they did this, a week later we were given targets among us to kill. We were promised prizes if we succeeded and punishment if we failed. Incidentally, the only punishment that manifested was weak like off brand grubsauce and the prizes also deeply sucked, but I'm sure yet again some of you psychopath morons will do what Mayfield tells you to as though it hasn't been proven time and time again that nothing Mayfield promises ever comes true.

So I think it's about time those of us who aren't interested in participating in wiggler relay races for the dubious privilege of going to the beach with Doc Scratch tried to actually work out a plan. Isn't there some kind of useless ass defense force around, or am I proposing everything?

Anyway, I'm thinking some kind of general pact to hunt down as a group anyone who so much as passes gas murderously once they give us our targets, but I'm open to other suggestions provided they aren't retarded.

[Filtered to 6 Sweep Trolls]

And since I'm proposing the murder posse, it goes without saying that none of you are participating, no matter what happens or who your target is or what they promise you. You embarrassments are enough of a problem for me without forcing me to organize mobs to kill you.

[Action; Around Town]

[Karkat's been out and about all morning, like any other Saturday; picking up needed groceries, dropping in on some of his friends, checking whether there's anything new worth seeing in theaters. He's also dressed normally and characteristically achromatically; grey pants, black shoes, a black shirt with his symbol on it in grey.

And that seems to be the problem today, because everywhere he's gone, drones wearing green have been coming up to him and pinching him. The first couple times it was just weird and annoying, but at this point he's completely flipped his lid.

If you go near him, you'll find Karkat on the brink of one of his more explosive moods, teeth grit and glaring murderously at anyone around.]

What. Do. You. Want.

[Go on, pinch him, you know you want to.]

[Action; 1338 Benny]

[Well, thanks to the power of hyacinth, he'll wake up from the pitcher plant handcuffed down in the basement. Gamzee's clearly sort of forgotten he's here, so he'll just kind of awkwardly get to his feet and make his way up the stairs to knock on the door.]

[Phone; Friends Filter + Doc Scratch]

So yet again we come to everyone's favorite part of Mayfield, awkward mass apologies following the latest round of panfuckery. Yeah. This is one of those, so if you aren't interested, then I think we share the same sentiments on this practice.

So maybe I'll skip the ridiculous part where I apologize for things beyond my control, and just say that you can just discard everything I said and did for the past two days as plant related temporary insanity. So...

[He pauses a little awkwardly, and mutters to himself before continuing.]

Fuck.

No, that's...that's not why I called. I don't know why I always... Maybe I should be shoving whichever hallucinogenic plant makes you hork your emotion sacs all over the audio hook, because I am fucking terrible at this and I don't know any other way to do it.

Shit. If you want to talk to me we can talk and I can ingest whichever floral arrangement makes that conversation happen more smoothly or not. Or if you don't want to, I understand, too, just...

Just it's not that nothing I said is how I really feel. It's actually the opposite of how I feel. Read into that what you will. Or I'll just spell out for you idiots I ruined everything with that you're my fucking friends, and I don't...right. I hate you about as little as anyone's ever hated anything.

Except you, Doc Scratch. The next time you try to make me your puppet, the real puppet is going up your earth human butthole.

((OOC: I'll still be taking tags on my old post, sorry this is so close. Wanted to get this rolling before I leave.))

( Read more... )

[action; 1338 Benny; evening February 13]

[Karkat can be found a little later sitting on the couch in the living room, watching his romcoms. He looks like he's actually, for once, maybe in a good mood. At least he's looking relaxed and letting himself sort of smile at the funny parts instead of looking grumpy and frustrated the whole time.

If anyone else comes into the room he doesn't acknowledge them at all.]

[phone; evening February 13]

Hey, here's a relief. For once I'm not calling about stupid waste of time list projects no one cares about. If you do need some help with something, anything at all, please put your request in writing, stamp and address it, and shove it up your spinal crevice. I actually have a life and better things to do.

With that out of the way, I just wanted to say that as for the vast majority of you, let's never talk again, I'm over it. If you are concerned about whether or not this applies to you, feel free to ask. It can count as our one and final courtesy conversation.

[action; forward dated to February 14]

[So later on, after realizing his hatred of everyone definitely does not apply to Doc Scratch, Karkat will be found at school or around town wearing a felt green tuxedo. He seems to have a creepy looking puppet dressed in an outfit matching his along with him.

If you've previously had any sort of positive interaction with him, he'll give you a disgusted look and try to avoid you. Otherwise, he's just doing normal stuff.]

((Karkat is under the influence of the pitcher plant, so if he knows you in any sort of positive way which is most people he knows, he hates you now. If he hated you, he likes you. He also is under carnations for Doc Scratch in the last part because I'm awful, and any previously agreed upon effects for everyone else.

If there's something you want just ask!))

( action; 1338 Benny )

[Phone]

[He's a little unsure about calling; he doesn't really remember even half of what he said while he was drugged, and he isn't sure whether what he remembers really happened or if he dreamed it. But he has to let everyone know he's back to normal and to see how everyone else is doing, make sure everyone made it back all right.]

It's Karkat. Has everyone mostly gone back to normal?

For all the fucking good it did everyone, it's about time I passed out the shitty monthly list of places you can maybe go to get a healer or save your life. Okay, but I'm fucking sorry about this, I can't use a typewriter right now, so you'll just have to deal with the awful state it's in for this month. It's at 1338 Benny, I don't have unlimited copies that haven't been drooled on, so copy from someone else.

I also had an idea proposed to me that I think is worth pursuing, but as I'm sure no one is clamoring for more sickening alt caps it may be a while before I put it together. In addition to doctors and healers, there are plenty of other fucking useful skills some of us might have. Mechanical prowess or having a husktop available for use or the ability to find your own asshole for those who can't, I don't know. Just tell me if you can do something useful or if there's something you're looking for, and we can pool resources.

That's about it.

((The month's list is available in the mailbox at Karkat's hive, but instead of the typical list, it looks like this.))

[Filtered to 6 Sweep Trolls, Kids, and Signless and Psiionic]

Yeah. Okay. Sorry for whatever stupid shit I said or did the past few days, it's not my fucking fault. How is everyone doing?

[A. action | mayfield hospital]

[The sight of the day's patients being dumped outside the hospital should be a familiar one by now. Gamzee, at first glance, seems to have gotten away relatively lightly; while his characteristic orange goat horns are gone and he's bleeding from where several chunks of flesh have been ripped away from his arms, at least there aren't any hideous modifications or crippling disfigurements to be seen. He's pacing unusually agitatedly for anyone who's familiar with the usually cheerful and laidback troll, but he doesn't seem to be violent or psychopathic, which for both Gamzee and Mayfield is a pretty good result overall.

Then he brings up the palm of his right hand, sinks his fangs into it, tears the flesh off, chews and swallows, and it suddenly becomes horrifyingly clear that he may have just undergone the worst surgery of all.]

[B. phone; public]

[Once Karkat has gotten Gamzee back to his hive, he has really only one goal-- to prevent Gamzee from hurting himself by any means necessary. The first priority is to secure him so he won't be able to bite his hands anymore, and the second is to distract him by any means necessary.]

Okay, don't waste my time because this is important. Do any of you pieces of shit know the best way to strap someone to a slumber platform?

[There's a wet sound of suction before Gamzee's voice speaks up in the background.] Uhhhh...you really think that's all being necessary, bro?

Stop that. Get that out of your mouth right fucking now. ...Right, okay, so the slumber platform. What do I use, belts? Manacles? Which is the human store that sells manacles?

But it tastes motherfuckin' delish, yo. Can't I all be just having a lick or two?

Now. All right, anyway, I'm turning the audio hook over to this deranged idiot so he can get on someone else's nerves, but tell me if you know something about the manacle situation.

[There's a long pause before Gamzee picks up the phone again, sounding a little nervous.] So uhhh...if any motherfucker out there all been tied to a slumber platform before, what do I do if I gotta run to the load gaper?

[OOC: If you're picking the second option, Karkat will only be jumping into threads that are directly relevant to him, although he may interrupt any of Gamzee's threads!]

[Action; Hospital]

[Karkat wakes up sometime during the day on January 29th outside the hospital with a violent start that leaves him shaking. It's not unfamiliar to him to wake from a nightmare, but this is different. His last waking memories are unclear, but he remembers knowing he was going to die, losing so much of his sickening blood that it was all he could see, and then he remembers nothing, and nothing, and nothing for so long that if he starts to think about it he feels as though he'll lose his mind. He can't even close his eyes for a moment to gather his thoughts because the moment he does, the nothing is back, dark shapes swimming in it black on black but so clearly there, things he can't concentrate on because they're too terrible to acknowledge existence. This isn't unfamiliar either; it's the way he felt when his dreamself died, but so much more of it, and he's really gotten used to sleeping again.

The first thing he does is to try and vomit, because he feels sick and strange and his vascular sac hurts in his chest and he's freezing cold but he isn't shivering, but nothing comes up except the taste of blood and the feeling of it stuck to the back of his mouth and his throat. It's the same quality of the blood in the horrible gash around his middle; the wound is open but the blood is so thick and sluggish it's in no danger of bleeding again, and it draws his attention to his situation.

He's out in the open wearing clothes completely covered in still wet blood, with a large open wound making it clear whose it is, and while he isn't in danger of dying anymore, he doesn't want to be here. Still shuddering, he pulls himself to his feet and wraps his arms around his middle, completely failing to disguise the telling bright red covering most of him, and starts walking as quickly as he can for home, head and eyes facing the ground to avoid speaking to anyone if possible.]

[Action; 1338 Benny Road]

[And he will make it there eventually, but when he does, he'll have an awful surprise waiting for him in his respite block. His own bloodless body would normally be enough to upset him, but it won't even be a concern once he finds Gamzee dead there as well. He knows the idiot clown well enough to have a good idea what happened, what happened being that he completely failed to bother looking after himself or to get anyone to help him with what were obviously treatable injuries. While his grief is somewhat relieved by the fact that he knows the dead will probably come back, he's still completely furious. With himself for letting this happen at all, for being such a legendarily terrible moirail, and with everyone else for not bothering to take care of Gamzee in his absence.

Once he's taken a moment to come to terms with the situation, he'll immediately go looking for anyone else in the house to take that out on.]

[Phone; Public]

[He picks up the phone and speaks with uncharacteristically little preamble; he's too exhausted and sad to come up with reasons to be angry right now, and it's clear from his voice.]

I need everyone to check in with me now. Trolls and...the rest of you who are for some reason or other part of my life. Just do it. Are any of you still alive?

It turns out I've been gone nearly four days, so someone needs to get me up to speed. Please.

[Phone]

You...

[For someone who is able to speak so angrily and prolifically on essentially anything at all, Karkat for once really seems to be at a loss for words. It's more than that, though; he's furious but frightened, and one of the only life lines he's been clinging to is gone. But his ability to speak returns quickly.]

Who sees a strange machine they know nothing about and fucking destroys it? Great job, there's no way that could have possibly been important, or possibly a trap? Hey, I heard the Mayor say something suspicious about your misshapen puss dripping seedflaps, maybe you should blow those up with wild abandon, too.

No, that's right, nothing is fucking important except your little choose your own fun wiggler exploration adventure games. Nothing fucking matters except finding a way out of here, and the best way to do that is to smash whatever you see in case it might trigger the explosion activated home teleportation device, is that it?

I'm done with all of your petty pointless 'resistances.' Did any of us ever say we wanted you acting on your behalf? It's unclear to me, please refresh my memory. Who is in charge of this again, and what do you do? As far as I'm aware, it seems to involve running around becoming engorged with self-importance until the weight knocks you onto your asses and basically nothing else! Have any of these little explorations and expeditions ever accomplished anything? If so, please enlighten me, I am waiting with bated breath to hear of the one positive thing that has ever come of you running into any place Mayfield decides to allow you to enter and poking things until they explode.

Thank you. Thank you for your fucking service! I'll just bend over in case you had any tentacle fronds you wanted to explore our cavities with, it is the least I can do considering the swelling gratitude fluid building up in my bloated tribute sacs! In case you weren't aware, my species expresses gratitude through expelling endless fountains of vomit everywhere.

Just ignore that, though. Most of us dying, even those of us who never wanted to fucking destroy this place in the first place, is a small price to pay for you bringing yourselves to completion because you may have found a clue!

I don't even know if I care who you are, but if you give even the slightest shit about what you did, then fix this. But of course, I doubt any of you do care about just some more dead trolls and humans and cat monsters or whatever this place holds, so fuck you and goodbye.

[Filtered to Friends]

[Following that incredible display of reasonableness, he sounds somewhat less angry for the following call, although he still remains tense and clearly on the verge of flying the fuck off the handle.]

All right, you idiots. I know most of you can't go outside without accidentally disemboweling yourselves.

I need all of you to tell me what's happening. Don't be the one asshole who decides to keep this shit to himself to satisfy some pathetic notion of pride. I need to keep track of everything that's wrong, and if I included you in this transmission, it's because my mental list of business I reluctantly have to be involved in says I need to keep track of whether you're bleeding geysers out of one auricular clot or two.

If any of you die, so help me, I will hunt you down and personally desecrate your sorry hideous corpse using nothing but a knife I carved out of pure hate.

[Action; 1338 Benny Road]

[> Be the one asshole.

Karkat has been scarce all day; disappearing frequently when he is around and wearing a heavy coat even indoors. But by evening on the 25th, he's disappeared completely, and unavailable by phone. Housemates or anyone coming to look for him will find the upstairs bathroom locked, but he won't respond to anyone trying to get inside.]

[Public]

Right, so based on our arbitrary jump forward in time and the completely inconspicuous emergency alarm system, I have a hunch, call it a guess, that we're going to get fucked over soon. So I think this would be as good a time as any to remind all of you that I've been keeping a list of houses where you can go to preferably not die.

It goes without saying, but some shitpans have apparently felt clever in pointing this out, that this plan won't fucking work if all the houses in Mayfield disappear! But we don't know what will happen, so maybe you should pick up one of them, I don't make them for my own health, assholes.

They're in the communication compartment outside 1338 Benny Road once again. If you have any corrections to be made or want to be added, let me know.

[The following list will be in his mailbox, with copies to spare for anyone who wants one.]

[Filtered from Trolls]

Also, were any of you human wigglers born between the 20th of June the 22nd of July? It isn't important, I'm just curious.

[Action; 1338 Benny Road]

[So after finding out about his zodiac sign, Karkat will come home in an awful mood, slamming doors until he gets up to his bedroom. So yeah, Tuesday, but he's in an even worse mood than usual today.]