14 April 2012 @ 09:43 am
event: freaky friday  
[There's the sound of some jostling for the phone and some muttered arguments before John comes on the phone. Or at least, the voice speaking definitely sounds like John's voice, but it sure seems like he woke up on the wrong side of the bed.]

Okay, this is just a message going out to everyone I've ever met. All of you are so stupid that science should study your thinkpans for evidence of life sustained by hostile environments. And because of that, I feel the need to put my hoof down and clear this all up right now before anyone actually falls for the embarrassment that is John pretending to be me, because knowing you would be capable of buying this sad charade would render me physically incapable of ever speaking to you again.

Don't mind Karkat guys, he's just a bit overwhelmed by all the awesome that is being John Egbert. This has to be like a new level for existence of him, I'm honestly kind of jealous right now!

Anyway I've finally solved the mystery of what trolls have in their pants, and let me tell you it is pretty fucking incredible. I am willing to divulge this information to all of you, free of charge, because I am a scientist and this is what we do.


Wait, you--

Why did you look?!

Wow, I hope you enjoyed yourself, I hope you wet your, I mean my, pants with shame once you realized exactly what you've been missing your entire, pitiful, worthless human life. Feel free to make yourself at home in my body in any other way you choose, you rancid shitstain!

Wait you mean you didn't look? Haha, oh man. It's okay, Karkat. I give you full permission to examine my mighty human dong. Try not to examine it too thoroughly though, if you know what I mean. Jesus is watching! Or Troll Jesus, or whatever.

I don't need your permission, nooksniffer, I just choose not to ever do that like a sane rational person! Your human dongs are beneath the base threshold for even my patronizing contempt! Now give me back the audiohook, this transmission has already violated some law of physics regulating the volume of abhorrence a conversation can accrue before it collapses into a black hole of revulsion that will consume all life that still possesses a shred of dignity.

You already looked, didn't you.

[A pause]

Just. hand. me. the. phone.

He basically admitted it. I just want everyone to know that.

[He hands over the phone with considerable reluctance]

And I just want everyone to know how much restraint I'm showing by not strangling John's body to death at this very moment. Good fucking bye.

Truly, you are a saint. Sheesh, so much for his troll hormones being the cause of his crankiness...

((Blue is Karkat in John's body, Grey is John in Karkat's. Replies will come from [personal profile] egjerk (Karkat) and [personal profile] theshooshything (John).))
04 April 2012 @ 11:14 pm
event: may the pranks be ever in your favor  
[action: grocery store]

[John wasn't aware that Christmas came in April now, but sometimes you just have to roll with the punches.

He can be found at the grocery store and the beauty parlor, picking up the supplies he needs to complete his master quest: some thin white thread, some hair dye, and a raspberry pie...]

Badou Nails )

Gumi )

Mamizou )

[open phone call]

Hey did you guys know that I am an expert on troll culture? It is completely true. Here, let me prove it with this fun fact: in troll culture, buckets are considered pornographic! I guess they use them to bone or something.

Anyway I just thought you guys would find that trivia interesting! Not for any particular reason, of course. Heheheh.