event: freaky friday

[crusthatecean]

[There's the sound of some jostling for the phone and some muttered arguments before John comes on the phone. Or at least, the voice speaking definitely sounds like John's voice, but it sure seems like he woke up on the wrong side of the bed.]

Okay, this is just a message going out to everyone I've ever met. All of you are so stupid that science should study your thinkpans for evidence of life sustained by hostile environments. And because of that, I feel the need to put my hoof down and clear this all up right now before anyone actually falls for the embarrassment that is John pretending to be me, because knowing you would be capable of buying this sad charade would render me physically incapable of ever speaking to you again.

Don't mind Karkat guys, he's just a bit overwhelmed by all the awesome that is being John Egbert. This has to be like a new level for existence of him, I'm honestly kind of jealous right now!

Anyway I've finally solved the mystery of what trolls have in their pants, and let me tell you it is pretty fucking incredible. I am willing to divulge this information to all of you, free of charge, because I am a scientist and this is what we do.

What?

Wait, you--

Why did you look?!

Wow, I hope you enjoyed yourself, I hope you wet your, I mean my, pants with shame once you realized exactly what you've been missing your entire, pitiful, worthless human life. Feel free to make yourself at home in my body in any other way you choose, you rancid shitstain!

Wait you mean you didn't look? Haha, oh man. It's okay, Karkat. I give you full permission to examine my mighty human dong. Try not to examine it too thoroughly though, if you know what I mean. Jesus is watching! Or Troll Jesus, or whatever.

I don't need your permission, nooksniffer, I just choose not to ever do that like a sane rational person! Your human dongs are beneath the base threshold for even my patronizing contempt! Now give me back the audiohook, this transmission has already violated some law of physics regulating the volume of abhorrence a conversation can accrue before it collapses into a black hole of revulsion that will consume all life that still possesses a shred of dignity.

You already looked, didn't you.

[A pause]

Just. hand. me. the. phone.

He basically admitted it. I just want everyone to know that.

[He hands over the phone with considerable reluctance]

And I just want everyone to know how much restraint I'm showing by not strangling John's body to death at this very moment. Good fucking bye.

Truly, you are a saint. Sheesh, so much for his troll hormones being the cause of his crankiness...

((Blue is Karkat in John's body, Grey is John in Karkat's. Replies will come from egjerk (Karkat) and theshooshything (John).))

Comments

1/2

[nopersonalspace]

[ OH GOD THIS IS PERFECT. OH GOD THIS IS SO PERFECT.

TEREZI IS SO PLEASED. ]

[nopersonalspace]

[ and this means she must take complete advantage of the situation.

so, using Jade's voice, she does not let on that Jade has been bodyswitched at all, and just pretends to be her. ]

Wow, gross! [ wait, is that a thing Jade would say? oh well. ] Haha, don't worry... pals? Pals!

[smellingeyedog]

[ okay Jade. Be the Terezi. You got this. ]

HE HE... heh.... Karkat! You smell like a blueberry!!! HEHE!!

private;

[nopersonalspace]

Jade, I can't smell through the phone! You must be more convincing than that!

Also, his flavor is cherry!

[egjerk]

I know you can't smell through the audiohook. If you could, all you'd smell is the smoking pile of my charred remains, all that's left from my uncontrollable hate combustion.

[theshooshything]

Bullshit! I smell like stink and butts because I am Karkat and I never bathe.

[noluckduck]

Oh, fuck. The douchebag who's got my body is gonna look, isn't he?

[egjerk]

I feel so, so, sorry for you, whoever you are. He will definitely look.

[theshooshything]

Just don't let him near any buckets and I think you will be okay!

[whitetextgirl]

[...]

Happy birthday, JohnKarkat. Who should I give the cake slice to?

[He doesn't know what to call you two right now, but he did say he was going to get John a slice of cake to a girl he met. And Doc Scratch never lies.]

[theshooshything]

Uh.

Him.

Give it to him, not me, since I am Karkat, who is not him.

[egjerk]

Give it to John, I don't care about your dumb human cake or dumb human birthdays.

[onefiishtwofiish]

Hey, at least neither of you has to deal with how to make things not suddenly start floating around you. I am having more of a fishue with that than I am anything else. Different bits? Not even a probubblem.

[theshooshything]

I'm sorry to break it to you, but the fish puns don't really work with the lisp.

[egjerk]

Please. Psychic abilities would literally be the only redeeming thing about having to be Sollux.

[busy_fists]

John? Are you all right?

[theshooshything]

[awww dad, he can't bring himself to troll you.] Yeah dad, I'm fine! I mean other than the part where I'm stuck in this weird alien body but, you know, whatever, I'll live.

[egjerk]

Is he all right? You heard this entire transmission. Congratulations on the worthless bulgeexamining scum you raised.

[finallyhasthumbs]

Oh man I haven't even looked in my pants yet.

[Thanks to Kyouko's echo powers, it's Dave's voice you're hearing. Well, until he starts imitating John and Karkat.]

Wow, Dave, you don't even know what's in your own pants?

You fucking nookstain obviously it's someone else in Dave's body, someone human because only humans are so dumb as to have an obsession with what's in their pants even though I pretty much spend all my time trying to tame the raging hate boner in mine blargh blargh blargh.

Yup that's me pulling up my little girl skirt wait okay now this is starting to sound creepy I think I'll stop and leave the genital exploration to you two since you seem to have each others human and alien dongs well in hand.

[Goddamn does he love to hear himself talk]

[egjerk]

So Dave wears little girl skirts to sleep is what I'm getting out of this.

[theshooshything]

So well in hand, you don't even know. In fact, I don't think I can let go! It's covered in this weird gross alien slime.

[kagawhinny]

[this Vocaloid in a pony's body is now wondering if this was really worth fumbling the phone off the hook for]

♪ What is this obsession humans have with genitals, anyway?

[egjerk]

Don't ask me! It's nauseating!

Belated tag how did I not see this earlier

[bubblebee]

Ehehehehe, oh man, this is great.

[Yes, that's Feferi sounding like a total douche over the other side of the phone]

I'm so sorry John. I don't think anyone deserves to be stuck inside of the physically retarded body that is KK's.

no prob i'm being slow anyway

[egjerk]

Thanks for the comments! Send my apologies to Feferi for all the sweaty fumbling shame globe schlicking you're bound to do in her body as just force of habit every time you're triggered by one of your numerous fetishes.