event: freaky friday

[crusthatecean]

[There's the sound of some jostling for the phone and some muttered arguments before John comes on the phone. Or at least, the voice speaking definitely sounds like John's voice, but it sure seems like he woke up on the wrong side of the bed.]

Okay, this is just a message going out to everyone I've ever met. All of you are so stupid that science should study your thinkpans for evidence of life sustained by hostile environments. And because of that, I feel the need to put my hoof down and clear this all up right now before anyone actually falls for the embarrassment that is John pretending to be me, because knowing you would be capable of buying this sad charade would render me physically incapable of ever speaking to you again.

Don't mind Karkat guys, he's just a bit overwhelmed by all the awesome that is being John Egbert. This has to be like a new level for existence of him, I'm honestly kind of jealous right now!

Anyway I've finally solved the mystery of what trolls have in their pants, and let me tell you it is pretty fucking incredible. I am willing to divulge this information to all of you, free of charge, because I am a scientist and this is what we do.

What?

Wait, you--

Why did you look?!

Wow, I hope you enjoyed yourself, I hope you wet your, I mean my, pants with shame once you realized exactly what you've been missing your entire, pitiful, worthless human life. Feel free to make yourself at home in my body in any other way you choose, you rancid shitstain!

Wait you mean you didn't look? Haha, oh man. It's okay, Karkat. I give you full permission to examine my mighty human dong. Try not to examine it too thoroughly though, if you know what I mean. Jesus is watching! Or Troll Jesus, or whatever.

I don't need your permission, nooksniffer, I just choose not to ever do that like a sane rational person! Your human dongs are beneath the base threshold for even my patronizing contempt! Now give me back the audiohook, this transmission has already violated some law of physics regulating the volume of abhorrence a conversation can accrue before it collapses into a black hole of revulsion that will consume all life that still possesses a shred of dignity.

You already looked, didn't you.

[A pause]

Just. hand. me. the. phone.

He basically admitted it. I just want everyone to know that.

[He hands over the phone with considerable reluctance]

And I just want everyone to know how much restraint I'm showing by not strangling John's body to death at this very moment. Good fucking bye.

Truly, you are a saint. Sheesh, so much for his troll hormones being the cause of his crankiness...

((Blue is Karkat in John's body, Grey is John in Karkat's. Replies will come from egjerk (Karkat) and theshooshything (John).))

Comments

[nopersonalspace]

[ and this means she must take complete advantage of the situation.

so, using Jade's voice, she does not let on that Jade has been bodyswitched at all, and just pretends to be her. ]

Wow, gross! [ wait, is that a thing Jade would say? oh well. ] Haha, don't worry... pals? Pals!

[egjerk]

What's wrong with you.

[nopersonalspace]

Nothing, stumpnubs! Let me talk to John.

[egjerk]

Wow! Fuck you, too, Jade! Thanks for being so supportive of me in this incredibly traumatizing trapped as John situation!

[nopersonalspace]

John's hygiene is leagues better than yours, and he can grow small hairs on his chin if you look very closely. Honestly, I think you should be grateful.

[egjerk]

[There's a pause]

Oh god, he does have small hairs on his chin. That's so disgusting! I've heard about that but my human body at least wasn't so sickeningly awful.

[nopersonalspace]

I don't know why you would think it was gross. I think it's cool- I would keep mine short and sharp and use it in combat by rubbing my face on things.

[ wait, is that a thing Jade would say ]

...Because... woof!

[egjerk]

[That...was a weird thing for Jade to say, but okay...]

I don't care what its combat purpose is, it's disgusting and horrible. There's hair everywhere. Everywhere, Jade.

[nopersonalspace]

Well, duh! Humans grow all kinds of hair, everywhere. I have a fine blanketing of hair all over my legs that I would never imagine getting rid of.

[ she examined Jade's body very thoroughly okay ]

In human pants there is a lot of hair.

A lot of hair.

[egjerk]

...

Why are you telling me any of this? I don't want to know these things!

[nopersonalspace]

I'm trying to ease your new experience as a human, Barfnubs McDong! I guess I could give you a tutorial face-to-face, if you want. So I can look at you, in the face, with my eyes.

[egjerk]

All you'll see is stupid John Egbert, and I've been a human before. As in, when we first arrived? And again when I got Gamzee his sopor? You were here for all of this!

[nopersonalspace]

Duh! But John is a special kind of human.

You don't yet know about his...

[ lowers voice ]

'Problem'.

[egjerk]

His...'problem.'

I probably don't want to know, okay? The problems I do know about are more than enough.

[nopersonalspace]

Well, if you're in his body, it's kind of important. Sooner or later you'll have to deal with his 'condition'. It happens every twelve hours, so...

[egjerk]

Okay, fine, tell me. Is it something disgusting?

[nopersonalspace]

I won't tell you unless we meet up!

[egjerk]

Okay, okay, fine. We can meet up. I'm at John's hive right now.

[nopersonalspace]

I'll save you, princess!

[ slams the phone down. she shows up at John's door in about fifteen minutes and knocks, looking eager. ]

[egjerk]

[Well okay opening the door but it's just dumb John looking dumb and grumpy.]

Okay. Just tell me what it is.

[nopersonalspace]

[ no sorry she just grabbed him and is pulling him into the biggest, sloppiest make-out session ever. ]

[theshooshything]

Oh man, oh no, it's Jade. I have such a weird hateboner right now it's not even funny. Jade will you be my auspimesisprit or whatever? Oh gosh how do I even talk to girls, I am so alone.

[nopersonalspace]

Yes, okay! That is what I have always wanted, Karkat- your extreme awful hatred.

[theshooshything]

Okay, sweet. I want to make sick disgusting bucket babies with you Jade. Please accept my throbbing nook bulge.

[nopersonalspace]

A nook and a bulge are separate things!

[ oops ]