♋ 35

[crusthatecean]

[Action; Locked to 1338 Benny]

[To be honest, he's been dreading this for a while now; with his shitty luck, with how many of his friends have vanished, he's woken up every day for a while relieved to find his respite block still a disastrous mess of horns and empty pie tins, or his moirail crashing uninvited and poking him in the ribs. When he wakes up alone, with his room significantly neater, he doesn't even think he really has to go looking.

That's almost everyone, then. Eridan and Nepeta were still here last time he checked, but who knows if they've vanished, too. It doesn't matter; it's selfish, he knows it yet again consolidates his position as universe's most worthless piece of trash, not when Eridan's been trying and Nepeta has never done anything wrong, but the ones he really wants aren't here and he's never getting them back. Sollux, Tavros, Feferi, and Vriska are dead for good, who the hell knows about Aradia. He's never getting back the Terezi he had really tried to make things work with, who knew things about him he'd never told anyone; he's never getting back the Jade he'd become human siblings with. And now he's never going to see Gamzee again, at least not that Gamzee, who was kind and good-natured and deserved a better friend than he had ever been. If he ever does see him again, he'll see the Gamzee who murdered two of his best friends, who mocked his blood and wanted to kill him and who frankly fucking terrifies him.

He had so many chances to prove himself worthy of his mistaken existence and he fucked it up the first time, and now he's blown the second and third and fourth ad nauseum chances as well, and he feels a heavy certainty he has finally run out of chances left to blow.

So when he sees the new drone in his house pass his door on the way downstairs, he realizes he doesn't have anything left to say. All he can do is slam his bedroom door shut and then sink down to the floor and cry.]


[Phone]

[Yeah, so, um, somebody is clearly on a downward spiral into the depths of crazy right now, enjoy this call.]

You know, it actually sort of makes sense. This place is the literal definition of hell. It's boring as fuck, interspersed with random bouts of torture, and I'm stuck here with all of you, the sad representatives of a species that is itself a walking reminder of my many, many failures. Guess what, I found religion, let me teach you all about it. The truth is, everything exists in its entirety to punish me, so if things aren't working out so well for you, sorry about that.

And before you helpfully call in to let me know I'm a selfish nookrind secreted out of unwashed orifices of the cosmic personification of self-absorption, I already knew! Here I am, making a pathetic spectacle of myself all over the audio hook, please direct your mockery and loathing my way, that was the whole point of this call.

[A pause.]

Oh, wait, there actually was a point to this call. The point is to do the public service of informing you that the cause of all problems in my and therefore this universe is here in Mayfield. You may think this is hysterical hyperbole, but I helpfully provided an example of the former just moments ago. I'm completely fucking serious about this.

Some of you may not know this, but the human universe was created by me and my friends. I fucked it up good, my bad. Yeah, I really messed things up for you guys, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if this shithole of a virtual human town was somehow related to the previous clusterfuck video game experience I participated in.

But I didn't just develop the capacity to be a universe-ruining fuck up all on my own! I fortunately had help from our good friend Doc Scratch, the same smug douche commemorated in the bowling alley for his prowess in mass killing. Look it up yourself, it's true. Before that, he was also going back to the dawn of my civilization ruining everything, and happened to orchestrate the deaths of everyone I've ever known.

So, yeah, forget my shitty housing list that has never done anyone even a moment of good. My new mission is to fuck up his life as much as he's fucked up mine. Consider yourself informed!

Comments

Phone

[little_thief]

Wait, whoa, what?

Re: Phone

[crusthatecean]

Wait, whoa, what to which part?

[little_thief]

Well, all of it, but mostly the Doc Scratch part. I'm married to that guy! Is there anything I should know?

1338 Benny

[godcomplexed]

[A knock on the door.]

[crusthatecean]

[snarling]

Get fucked.

[phone]

[noluckduck]

[For a moment, Clover thinks maybe she shouldn't talk to Karkat right now. Maybe that would be for the best.

... But lord, she is genuinely worried about him.]

Dude. I... know I'm pretty much the last person who should ever be sayin' this, but breathe for a sec, okay?

[crusthatecean]

I'm breathing.

This is actually important.

phone;

[cueball]

[He listens to the call and takes a single huff of breath out of his nose.]

Don't you think you're being a little pathetic right now?

[Seriously, fucking up his life? Karkat you're six, not three.]

[crusthatecean]

I know I am.

But what the fuck are you going to do about it?

[Phone]

[cawtier]

Uh, not that that isn't a mission I can agree but

What the crazy shit?

[crusthatecean]

Bird Dave, you're still here. Good.

Seeing as we're among the only ones from our shitty universes still accounted for, I'm going to temporarily put my platonic disgust towards you on hold.

[ phone ]

[cabbagehead]

This is some kind of joke, right?

[crusthatecean]

No.

How would this even be funny?

[guidetohell]

...Well, that was certainly informative.

Is something wrong, young man?

[crusthatecean]

Yes. Did you hear the part about how my life was ruined and I'm a universe destroying sack of shit, that speaks, in some senses, to what may or may not 'be wrong.'

[ phone ♥ ]

[priceofmagic]

[ She's been listening since the phone call started, twirling the phone wire around her finger impatiently and keeping her temper, or what's left of it, in check. ]

Are you done now, sir?

[crusthatecean]

Sorry, am I inconveniencing you here?

phone

[doudemoe]

[Minato would mostly just be "whatever" at this sort of thing. But...he emphasizes with him somewhat.]

Thanks.

[crusthatecean]

For what?

phone

[corrodes]

[The Handmaid doesn't often speak on the telephone, but--] A foolish, useless mission.

[She would know.]

[crusthatecean]

I know.

I don't care. I don't have anything else.

phone

[answerer_sword]

...I beg your pardon?

[crusthatecean]

About what.

[ceasetoexist]

Good luck.

[That isn't sarcasm. He's being sincere.]

[crusthatecean]

...Thanks.