❦ the fifth rose

[silpheed]

PHONE;
[HELLO MAYFIELD the day of reckoning has come. meaning you get not one irritated, bossy and rude immortal on your phone lines today, you get two!!]

As most of you know, things are getting rather busy around here. That means there's less and less time for menial tasks and chores.

Because that is the case, we have decided that now is the best time to look for some sort of hired help. After all, I doubt that you people really have anything better to do. [RACHEL PLS at least try to make a good impression.] If you are such a person--and you likely are--and also excel at household chores, we now have a proposition for you.

We'll be holding a short audition at the high school auditorium at noon sharp today for those who are interested. Don't fret about pay, it will be a rate which you certainly won't deserve. [now it's tagteam bad impressions...]

If you're late, please do not waste our time by coming. That will be enough of an indicator that you would do a poor job serving. With that said though, I look forward to any who come to audition. It may be difficult, but do your best to at least be somewhat competent. [what a charming young lady you have the potential to serve right]

Thank you in advance for your consideration, and enjoy the rest of your morning. [no it's too late to fix the rudeness of this phone call now but he apparently doesn't see anything wrong with ending on this note...]

ACTION;
[for those brave souls who actually decide to go see what this thing is all about, they'll find a sign on the outside of the auditorium doors that simple says "auditions here" in neat script. inside the auditorium itself, the stage is well-lit and a table is set up in front of it, where Rachel and Charles are currently sitting with a couple of papers, pencils and what appears to be half of a tea set.

APPROACH WITH CAUTION the judgment begins before you even step on the stage...]

Comments

[encored]

Proud of making a nuisance of yourself, more like. Do you even know how to clean a house properly? Or serve tea? Honestly, think these thing through.

[kinship]

I know how to do both of those things, thank you.

[Sort of.]

[encored]

I have a difficult time believing that, for some strange reason.

[kinship]

Oh ye of little faith, I would be happy to demonstrate some time.

[encored]

Demonstrate it now, if you're so keen on proving your worth. We're running a bit low. [to illustrate his point, he picks up the tea pot set at the front of the table and tilts it side to side.]

[kinship]

Right away, sir!

[He even gives a graceful little bow, before grabbing the tea pot and running off.

He will return a short while later with freshly brewed, high-quality tea. With laxatives in. Tasteless and strong laxatives.]

[encored]

[CAIN.... THIS PASSES TROLLDOM AND SAILS STRAIGHT INTO SADISM.... it's a good thing he isn't Abel, at least. instead of BLIND ADORATION AND TRUST he's armed with paranoia, snobbery and an immune system that destroys everything that isn't food on contact.

he'll scoot the pot over to himself and lift the lid, and he does look a little surprised because hey this smells pretty good! he's even smiling as he closes the lid again.]

I'll admit that I'm impressed you've managed this much. However, you can't expect tea to be had without some sort of accompaniment, yes?

[kinship]

[Darn you, immune system! Foiled again!

But he doesn't know that, so he's happy in the security of a prank about to go well. Charles doesn't seem to have caught anything odd about the smell, so that's the first hurdle over.]

Of course not, I brought you a brownie.

[Also with laxatives. He's so kind.]

[encored]

[all that delicious disappointment when he snidely goes to ask Charles how his night went the next day, only to receive a genuine "all right, I suppose?" as an answer....]

Is that so? Not a dry one, I hope. [WELL THAT'S HURDLE TWO PASSED, he's genuinely surprised! too bad (or maybe it's actually extremely lucky) that Cain would never be hired regardless.]

Plates and silverware, then?

[kinship]

[He is going to be so disappointed, but it will make him more determined to find a way to troll Charles' stomach successfully...]

I couldn't find silverware, but I hope these china ones will do.

[He's going all out... for no other reason than needing to be the best.]

[encored]

[*needing to be the best troll....

HE IS SUITABLY IMPRESSED THOUGH that much is true. for all the hassle he gives Cain, this is the most prepared anyone has been for an audition yet. how sad]

Those will do well enough. [moving his papers aside to set his tea snacks up aw yeah]

[kinship]

[He will legit cry when he finds out all this effort is for nothing, and Charles is immune to his trolling.

But he places the tray carefully on the table and stands back, giving Charles an almost obedient smile.]

Anything else I can get for you?

[encored]

[raises a hand!!] This will be enough, thank you.

[and then he's quietly cutting a corner away from the brownie and taking a bite, and washing that down with a sip of tea! ...well, Cain won't have to wait long to legit cry over his wasted effort at least, since only a few seconds later his brow furrows and he looks perplexed, which quickly turns into a look of disbelief.]

...Did you just try to poison me?

[kinship]

[Wait, what?

Why is this having no effect? And why has Charles been able to detect his lovingly added extra ingredients?

He gives the most innocent and wide-eyed look possible.]

How could you ask such a thing?

[encored]

[EYEING HIM...... okay no he knows Cain is a lot of things but "murderer" isn't currently on the list. even though his body is clearly in the process of destroying something, that doesn't mean this loser had a hand in it, right...? right?!]

Where did you actually get these from, in that case? [looking into his tea and giving it a sniff... at least it's not anything like arsenic from what he can tell.]

[kinship]

[If his sense of smell is good enough, he'll probably detect what it is.]

I found them in the kitchen, and I brewed the tea myself.

[encored]

[his sense of smell is top notch but sadly he has no idea what to identify this smell as. HE JUST KNOWS IT ISN'T POISON. or at least none of the poisons he's become intimately acquainted with throughout the years...]

The kitchen here? [shaking his head] That might explain it, I suppose. Cafeteria food is quite terrible. The tea, on the other hand, is entirely your fault if you brewed it yourself. I don't know what you did, but I'm afraid it would be instant reason for firing if you had been hired in the first place. I don't want to feel like I've eaten glass every time I take afternoon tea.

[kinship]

[He sighs, pouting in a way that might be eerily reminiscent of a certain priest's dramatics.]

You're not a very good person to play a joke on, Just. You could have warned me you didn't get sick easily.

[encored]

[these moments when he can't ignore how closely Cain and Abel resemble each other...]

I don't get sick at all, you should know this. [because apparently there isn't a difference between "can't catch a cold" and "being unaffected by anything imbibed", so it totally doesn't need explaining! if anything needs explaining here, it's this sudden bizarre semi-confession]

I wasn't aware you had such morbid humor. What was it, then? A cleaner of some sort? Fiberglass? [CHARLES... what's worse is he's saying this all in a completely serious way, like these are actually things he'd consider a joke.]

[kinship]

Of course not!

[He looks a little shocked. He said JOKE not MURDER. Geez. But he doesn't see the need to hide it. After all, if the joke had succeeded then it hardly would have been a secret, would it?]

It was some laxatives, that's all.

[encored]

That's all, is it? [THAT'S ALL he says, like he really did expect poison or glass.... it's a good thing he views pranks as a level of humor beneath him, or he'd accidentally kill more people that way than he ever has with his emotional rampages.]

Don't do that again. It's a hassle to be rid of things like that.

[kinship]

[Sigh. He is very disappointed with the result of this trick, Abel would have been doubled over and sobbing by now. But it is interesting to learn more about Charles' physiology.]

Does that work on all poisons? It's quite impressive.

[encored]

[Abel is one of those individuals whose reactions no one wants to replicate are truly unique....

but both question and comment receive a lazy "yeah yeah I know it's impressive" kind of shrug.]

Of course. There isn't a substance I've come across that my body can't break down.

[kinship]

[That's very interesting, and he'll just file that away for future reference.]

Have you tested it on many substances, then?

[encored]

[the corners of his lips twitch upward momentarily BUT HEY this is an audition for butlers, not a "let's discuss the wayward physiology of a monster" hour. he waves a hand.]

More or less. At any rate, over the counter drugs will most certainly never work, so I suggest you stick to stirring laxatives into the tea of others to get your cheap laughs in.