mayfield_rpg | 1st Trot

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1st Trot

[Action - 945 Beulah St]

[Hey Beulah St. Hope you're enjoying waking up to sirens, because as soon as they fade, the screaming will start. Loud, high-pitched screaming that almost sounds like a panicked horse, actually, except that it doesn't stop right away.]

[Then a chair goes flying out the window]

[Phone]

What the fuck is this? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

[There may be a few who recognize the voice. In theory. It's far more emotive in a terrified sort of fashion than anyone ever has heard it before, and each outburst ends with a little whinny. The owner of this voice is also well known among his friends for being against swearing of all kind]

Highblood, please, oh god, are you there? What is this thing? Hello? Highblood, everything is wrong, where are you, oh gosh please tell me you're normal, oh, I can't bear the thought of your exquisite indigo... [he chokes] like this!

Please, come and kill me again, I don't want to be like this, I feel sick...

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[No.]

[No.]

[he can't possibly...]

There is sopor here?

Oh, um, yeah.

It's kind of a long story. He hasn't exactly gone shithive maggots yet on his end of the timeline. That's the thing about this place- it grabs us from different points on the timeline. Gamz is from a lot farther back than a lot of us.

I mean, that's not to say he hasn't gone murder-crazy here a couple of times, because he has. But there's sopor and he has memory lapses a lot of the time because of it. Karkat is doing a really good job of keeping him satiated.

But... but...

He was so perfect! He was everything I could have ever wanted him to be and more! Why would you want to put him back to that... that... [He makes a small noise of disgust] idiot? You're holding him back! Keeping him from his full potential!

His full potential for what? Being completely out-of-sponge fucking crazy?

[this is a difficult conversation for Terezi, because, well... she almost gets where Equius is coming from.] Believe me, I've learned first-hand how amazingly fantastic he is at playing the villain. It's... [her throat goes dry for a moment; she swallows.] It's kind of incredible, but it's not what any of us need right now. I'd rather see him stupid and happy than destructive and unstable any day. And once you get a real taste of this place, you'll be glad for it too.

He's not crazy! He only seems that way because he never actually has to deal with his anger, since you all seem to keep soporing him up whenever he gets close to normal! And those memory losses you mentioned? They will only get worse the more sopor he consumes. You are quite literally rotting his thinkpan, destroying him from the inside out. This is not good for him, it's poisoning him, and someday, there will be no more Gamzee. There will just be a shell, a husk, a body that stares listlessly into space, completely trapped within the confines of his own mind.

You are destroying every chance he has at being a normal person. I'm sorry if my wanting him to have a chance at real happiness, and not fake, drug induced stupors, strikes you as self-defeating.

He is. I know you think that it's 'normal' that he should be some grand high subjugglator but it's not. That's not who Gamzee really wants to be, he's all messed up and... Of course the sopor is not a permanent solution! And, durr, it's disintegrating his sponge but we're going to run out eventually and even before then we'll figure something out.

But I don't agree that he'd find 'real happiness' if we let him lose control again.

You're not listening to me! He is not crazy, he is emotionally stunted. If he wants to be nice and happy, fine, far be it from me to dictate the way a highblood lives. But look at me; I am not murderous, and I am one small step beneath him on the hemospectrum. Because I've spent my whole life managing my rage, taking it out on inanimate objects, with the influence of a moirail.

He, on the other hand, has never felt anger as the sopor represses it.

All he needs is exposure to the anger, an acceptable outlet, and the steady, calming presence of a moirail. That is how all other indigobloods live and thrive, it is not impossible for him to achieve as well.

But I swear to you, asking Gamzee how he wants to be when he's higher than a kite is not truly asking Gamzee. It's asking the sopor.

[oh, god.

Equius... might actually have a point.

Terezi is never going to admit this, though, because a) that would be conceding something to someone else and b) the thought of it, the very idea of trying to mold Gamzee into a real highblood, is a bit terrifying. and she knows Karkat could never stand for it. they'd seen Gamzee sober and mostly in-control.] You are neighing up the wrong plantlife. I just don't know if that's a thing that can be done for him.

[Is it really so shocking? Equius is not stupid by any means, and he has spent his life studying every aspect of the hemospectrum. And more than that, he does more than stand there, and watch. He thinks. He analyzes. He makes connections.]

[And there is a definite sneer in his voice]

You're just afraid that I am right about him.

No. You know what the real problem is?

[fuck it. Terezi's not fond of lies, especially her own, so she might as well be truthful.]

I wish you were right. Part of me wishes that was a thing we could do, right now. I'd love to see him at his full potential, or however the hell you put it. I'd want him to act like a real highblood too. Or at least some bit of me does.

But it's not worth losing the other side of Gamzee. And Karkat will never let it happen.

It is not our place to dictate how he lives. This is beyond the hemospectrum. You would not want someone telling you how to live, who to be, would you? And the fact of the matter is that, while he is on sopor, he is not making decisions with the full range of his faculties.

Terezi. Listen closely, as I will only say this once. Karkat is a good leader. But he only thinks one step at a time. It is good for the short term, for aspects like SGRUB where a tangible goal is in sight, and there is a defined set of trials to over come, but this situation needs long term consideration.

You said it yourself; you will run out of sopor one day. It is better to prepare for that eventuality now, than to wait and be caught unawares.

Karkat's not just his leader any more. Don't you get what I've been trying to subtly imply?

[she exhales heavily.] He's his moirail. It's been like that for a while here and back in the Veil it was just confirmed too.

So Karkat's going to do what he thinks is best for Gamzee. And right now that's keeping him pacified. You may not like it, and I also may not completely agree, but I can guarantee Karkat won't like the sound of this idea at all.

I was trying to leave room for the possibility that I was reading too much into your words, actually. Because I do not agree with this. Not even a moirail should make decisions for their palemate. They are guides and confidents. He does not have to like Gamzee's choices; goodness knows that Nepeta and I do not agree on everything, and not just about foolish things like roleplay.

Gamz is different. Whether it's a good thing or not, he needs taking care of more than the average troll.

...I dunno. It's complicated. We've all been through a lot here, Equius. A lot. Some of us have been here for nearly half a sweep.

[sigh]

How long have I been gone?

...One month or two? Something like that.

Enough time for me to be completely out of the loop then. Excellent.

I could fill you in but basically it's all just 'really terrible stuff happens here, all the time, the end'.

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1st Trot

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