♋ 34

[crusthatecean]

[Phone]

I'm getting really tired of these 'change your history and personality' events. I put down a vote that next event be one of those 'tear out your organs while you're awake' events, I think I prefer those. Who is with me?

Also it goes without saying that I was an obnoxious fucking asshole, like pretty much all highbloods, I guess. Feel free to take issue with it, not least because out of all my many flaws, I never thought that would be one of them.

Comments

[crusthatecean]

[He didn't mean you anyway. He'll turn and glance up before abruptly averting his eyes, embarrassed. He can't decide how to feel about what just happens, the fact that Gamzee now actually presumably knows what his blood means.

But he also knows some things about Gamzee too now, and despite his hesitation his tone is warm and fond.]

Yes.

Come here, you.

[miraculls]

[He obediently trots towards Karkat, throwing an arm around him and leaning against him instantly.]

So...that was kinda a weird week, huh? [He is aware this is probably something they might want to talk about, but he has no idea how to go about doing it.]

[crusthatecean]

It's practically normal here.

[He'll raise a hand and cup it around Gamzee's jaw, brushing his cheek with a thumb.]

You matter so much to me. I know you know, but you can stand to hear me awkwardly spit out the bare minimum of what I should say to you once in a while.

[miraculls]

[His expression goes startled for a moment, as it always does when someone says they genuinely care about him, before softening into a happy smile.]

Right back at you, bro - I dunno what I'd all be doing without you. Thanks.

[crusthatecean]

You're better than I am. You are. Look at the shitty person I was. Look at the shitty person I am. Don't fight me, I mean being cruel and an asshole to everyone. That wasn't you and all of that sure as hell isn't you.

I'm not trying to make you explain it's not true. I'm not upset. I just want you to realize that you're fucking amazing.

[miraculls]

Even if I am really being all you say, s'only 'cause you make me that way. [There's a long, hesitant pause.]

I remember...those times here where my pan done went to a real motherfuckin' dark place. Not that well, but it ain't a carnival I all wanna get my visit on to again. And the only thing what pulled me on outta there was you. So anything you say I might be now, I wouldn't be nowhere if you weren't there.

[crusthatecean]

[Paps his cheek]

Okay. Let's get a pile and talk. That's just completely wrong.

[miraculls]

[oh goody, Gamzee has been carrying around a horn pile inside his modus just for occasions like these

plop! HOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooOOOOOOOONK]

Seems pretty right to me yo, I was there.

[crusthatecean]

[Karkat scowls disdainfully at the horn pile, but carefully sits down on it, trying to set off as few horns as possible while getting comfortable and patting the space next to him.]

This is the shittiest pile to talk on, I can't believe how consistently terrible you are.

[He'll pause for a second, though, because his recent experience of being a love starved indigo makes it a little harder to be casually cruel.]

Whatever, it's fine. Listen, what you're saying is true. You get crazy, I calm you down, that's how this works. But you're wrong to view that as a personal failing on your part. You saw what a mess I was in your hooves.

It's complicated. And an extremely long story you probably know some of, but you should hear it from me. Do you remember that awful night where Terezi was mysteriously killed that I never said fuck all about?

[miraculls]

[He gives Karkat a curious look.]

That one night you done came back with all her blood on you? Yeah, I think so.

[crusthatecean]

Yeah. I didn't want to tell anyone what happened. It was bad enough to have her involved.

[He'll shift over so he's able to lean against Gamzee while he talks.]

We stole something from Doc Scratch. Or she did, but he said it was my fault for not keeping everyone in line, which fair enough, I knew what she was up to. So he killed her, and then he told me what we were trying to find out just to be a sick shithead.

He told me that what he wanted was for us, us twelve, to win our section. And to do that, he changed our culture. He put the Condesce in charge, and he made it so highbloods ruled over lowbloods, and he also changed us. He made us more violent and dangerous, he made some of us prone to killing others. And when he did that, he made it worse for some. He made it so highbloods especially would be dangerous and highbloods especially would subjugate the lower classes and keep them in line.

He did all of that so we'd grow up strong enough to defeat the Black King, so we'd win and help him, but never get our reward or survive in the end.

[He swallows hard, his tone turning increasingly bitter and disgusted as he speaks.]

I hate him. All that shit, that awful highblood shit that I did this week, that you've done before when you go to that dark place, that's not you. That's him.

Oh, and I just lied. He didn't kill Terezi. He just hurt her enough that I would have to.

[miraculls]

[He wraps an arm around Karkat's waist and tucks his head on his shoulder, listening with mounting confusion. What Karkat's saying doesn't really make much sense to him - particularly the bit about Doc Scratch being able to change their culture in the first place - but it all flies out of his head at that last sentence.]

He did motherfuckin' what? [The arm around Karkat tightens and his voice comes out as a snarl; even with his moirail already here calming down, just the idea of Karkat having to be put through that - to have to put his red quadrant down like a beast, makes him shake with fury and horror.]

[crusthatecean]

Shhhh.

[He'll let himself be pulled closer, and he'll push a hand through Gamzee's hair to try and calm him. He's feeling a little shaken himself; this isn't anything he wants to think about, let alone go through again.]

That's why I don't want you or anyone else to have anything to do with him. If you try anything, all he'll do is hurt you, and I'll cut your windtube too because you're my responsibility, but I won't forgive you for making me. Got it?

[miraculls]

[He scowls a little but lets Karkat calm him down.]

Aight, aight. What was all that biznasty 'bout him messin' with our world? I didn't really get any of that shit, sooooorry.

[crusthatecean]

I don't fully get it either. I just know he's part of the game we played, and what he needed was for us to win.

[He tucks his head underneath Gamzee's chin, able to pull in closer that way; it's a little embarrassing, because this kind of cuddling would be impossible for any other troll who doesn't have humiliating soft nubs where horns are meant to be, but it's also more comfortable than watching out for Gamzee impaling him in the neck.]

He's been alive for longer than our planet has been, and he'd manipulated people and the way our planet works. Don't ask me how he did it, but don't ever think it's something wrong with you. That dark place, that asshole who tries to hurt other trolls, who hurt me, that's something he did to you.

The asshole who likes clowns and horns and stupid bright colors and trusts everyone to the point it must be a form of pan damage and who wants everyone to be his friend, who never even gave the tiniest squirt of a shit what color blood I had, that's you. Don't ever think something different.

[miraculls]

[That's cool, Gamzee likes how nubby Karkat's horns are just because it means he gets to plop his head on top of Karkat's whenever he wants.]

I wanna keep on being that motherfucker. But...I dunno if I can be all up with the sopor consumption that much longer.

[crusthatecean]

If that's what you want, then we'll do it.

[He peers up and reaches to rub his cheek just a little.]

You know I'd do almost anything for you, but what I'd never do is let you put the rest of us, the other ten, in danger. If you stop eating that shit, some things will change, but I know we can do it. I know you'll still be you.

Things might be harder but if it's what you want, I think it's a good idea, and you'll have me to help you.

[miraculls]

[A sigh.]

I dunno what I want. I like the way I'm all being now fine, but...shit be going down again, I wanna help.

[crusthatecean]

I understand. Though fuck, I'm sober all the time and I can never do anything useful when shit goes down.

I like the way you are now, too, and you don't have to help. But I think that if part of you feels like it's time to go off it, that means you should. And if that's how you feel, I'm making it my job to make sure you do.