11th Hat - It's Good to Own Land

[busy_fists]

[In this AU, the generations between Colonel Sassacre and Dad have essentially been cut out completely, with Dad's accompanying timeline having been moved up to match.  In this world, Dad apprenticed directly under Sassacre in the 1800s, sailing up and down the Mississippi on a riverboat entertaining the drunken masses.  During one such trip, he met an alluring Southern belle - Mom Lalonde, the daughter of a wealthy plantation owner.]

[Today, Dad and Mom can be seen on the porch of 311 Miller Street, sitting in rocking chairs and sipping mint juleps.  Dad appears to be wearing a fake mustache and beard - because what classy gent should be without some equally classy facial hair - and a white seersucker suit.  Mom is decked out in a long dress with a full skirt, and a pink shawl in place of her usual scarf.  The two are enjoying the nice calm summer's day, just rocking together and commenting on the weather.]

Warm today.

[Rock.]

Warm yesterday.

[Rock.]

Supposed to be warm tomorrow.

[Rock.  Sip.

They'll go on like this all day, really.  Looks like there's a third rocking chair set up on the porch, for anyone who feels like joining them.  Be careful, though - there's a whoopie cushion on it.  There is also a nice fresh pecan pie sitting on the table next to the empty chair.  Make of that what you will.]

Comments

Re: Gumshoe -> Dad -> Mom

[pinkscarflady]

Really, Sir! Lemonade is for children.

[She doesn't bother to hide her amusement.]

You just have a seat and I'll mix you up a man's drink.

[derp_detective]

Oh, is that some ice tea then?

[Gumshoe goes to have a seat when he notices the Pecan Pie nearby and stops.]

Oh wow, is that a pecan pie? That looks pretty tasty!

[busy_fists]

Mint julep. Preferred drink of classy gentlemen and ladyfolk the world over.

[Dad smiles, gesturing to the pie.]

Good nose. It's fresh from the oven.

[pinkscarflady]

[Mom hands him the finished julep.]

If you'd like a slice, please don't hesitate to ask.

[derp_detective]

[Gumshoe graciously takes the drink with a smile.]

Really? I can have some? If so, I'd love to try a piece!

[busy_fists]

A piece? Why don't you try the whole pie?

[Dad smiles, picking up the pie and propelling it with lightning speed toward Gumshoe's face before stopping just short and bringing it back down to level. He gives a little laugh, like almost shoving a piping hot pecan pie into someone's face is the most hilarious thing in the world before producing a pie cutter and carving out a slice for him.]

Just kidding! Almost got you, didn't I?

[pinkscarflady]

[She laughs as well.]

Careful, he's been known to ruin a pie or two in the name of good humor.

[derp_detective]

[Gumshoe is indeed 'got,' having flinched and closed his eyes when the pie came close. He slowly opens them when he hears they were just joking and the pie never hits him. He breathes a sigh of relief and laughs nervously.]

Yeah pal, you're really did get me, I was expecting to be wearing the pie when you picked it up like that...

[He looks to Mom after his heartbeat goes back to normal.]

...But tossing pies for humor? Like in those vaudeville and old comedy black and white shows?

[busy_fists]

Always keep the audience guessin'. That's the Colone's first secret of good showmanship.

[Dad smiles, handing the slice of pie over to Gumshoe and carving off two more for himself and Mom.]

Sometimes a pie really is just for eatin'. But you're right, they're a pretty important comedy tool too.

[pinkscarflady]

Not that you don't generally keep both on hand for any occasion...

[She samples the pie.]

Although this one is good enough that I think it would be quite a shame to let it go to waste.

[derp_detective]

Thanks again for letting me have some! I've only really eaten pies myself, though I did accidentally fall face first into one before. I wasn't really trying to be funny, but everyone else seemed to think it was...

[Gumshoe takes the offered pie and has a seat, setting off the whoopie cushion, much to his surprise.]

Oh man! I'm so sorry, I swear that was the chair! I didn't break it, did I?!

[busy_fists]

[Dad makes a big exaggerated show of waving his hand in front of his face.]

Whoooooo! What's your wife feedin' you, there, Dick?

[pinkscarflady]

Land sakes! Have a little care for manners, Sir.

[Hiding her smirk behind a convenient fan.]

[derp_detective]

I'm pretty sure it was the chair, though...

[Gumshoe is up and actually checking the chair a little frantically because he was serious about worrying about it being broken. That's when he finds the whoopie cushion, which he holds it up.]

What the-? Is this a whoopie cushion?

[busy_fists]

Guilty as charged.

[pinkscarflady]

Don't feel badly, Sir. You're my husband's third victim this morning.

[derp_detective]

Geeze, got me again, pal... You must be some kind of prank master... You two must have tons of fun on April 1st!

[busy_fists]

It's my favorite day of the year.

[pinkscarflady]

Yes, he's always in fine form on that day. Our poor neighbors never stand a chance.

[busy_fists]

That's why I've got to keep movin' from town to town all the time. Hard to pull the same tricks twice. Even the drunkest man will catch on eventually.

[derp_detective]

Really? Have you tried making up new tricks? Or combining them?

You know, like a feint? They expect one trick, and then it becomes the other?