[001] The Sixty Billion Double Dollar Man

[collateraldamage]

[A: 1248 Williams (Closed to Housemates)]

[Vash would be the first person to say that many of his dreams involved waking up next to a beautiful woman (though sometimes this beautiful woman was made of doughnuts) and so for a long second when he opens his eyes, he thinks that's what this is. Wriggling a bit closer to the poor hapless Makoto, she'll surely appreciate his drool-mumbles... right?]

...'mnot... delicious jelly filling, and...

[Except this dream was just growing more realistic, and Vash was very suddenly aware of two things. The first of which was that he was IN BED WITH A STRANGE WOMAN, and the second of which was that HE WAS ONLY WEARING BOXER SHORTS! The peaceful slumbering air of the room is shattered by a piercing and girlish SCREAM as Vash leaps out of bed and takes the sheets with him, wrapping them around himself to hide his scarred torso... that isn't scarred, wtf Mayfield?!]

[B: Phone (Open to All)]

[Having had things explained a bit more, and after spending a few hours wondering if he'd finally lost his mind to hallucinations and madness, Vash finally decided the time was ripe to introduce himself to his fellow residents. If what had been said was true, and nobody here knew him, then he had a chance to make a good first impression. So the voice that comes over the line is deep and very deliberately manly, with an attempted hint at suave.]

Good afternoon, assorted men, children and, most importantly, beautiful women. The days have been dark here, the nights long and cold so far, and you have been in dire need of some brave soul to rectify all these wrongs.

A man of style. A man of extreme manliness. A man of...

[Wait, he doesn't have another descriptor. He fumbles for a second, before giving a manly cough to cover the awkward pause.]

And what do we call this man among men, this seeker of the elusive mayfly of love, I hear you cry? I am Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser III.

[C: Bakery (Open to All)]

[They say an army marches on its stomach, and after giving his very impressive introduction, 'Valentinez' has decided that he most certainly deserves to put something in his. Following the inner glutton compass that pointed directly at sugary goodness, Vash has found his way to the bakery and all its tantalizing smells...

...before realising he has no money. Observe, if you will, the not-at-all-pathetic sight of a grown man with tears running down his cheeks as he presses his nose to the glass.]

Comments

oh no... my secret shame... i must flee to the dicking yard

[collateraldamage]

[Blinking as his hand is taken away like a mother hen, he peers down into her face obnoxiously.]

Your cheeks are a little red too. Maybe it's an epidemic...

:3

[owlish]

[...alskdjflakjdf NO now she's even more red!! tsun!!!!!]

There is no such thing! You are red from falling on your face. [HUFF HUFF now she's giving his hand a light tug. get up bum...]

Considering you are alright, we should continue looking for our things and companions, Mr. Valentinez. [like clothes for you would be a first... priority... and good.]

[collateraldamage]

[No, no... this is clearly the moment where some cheek smushing is in order, wiggling his hands on her cheeks like an obnoxious moron.]

How can you be so serious with such a cute face?

[Who cares about clothes and companions? This is way more fun.]

1/2

[owlish]

[oh my goodness WHAT IS HAPPEN

she's stuck frozen for a few seconds in pure shock

not even Isidro in his idiocy had done something like this...]

[owlish]

[alkjsdf WHERE IS HER STAFF TO WHACK THIS IDIOT ON THE HEAD!! she'll settle for trying to swat/wave his hands off SCREAM]

--What in the world are you doing?! Please stop this at once!

[collateraldamage]

You mean you don't know?

[He looks shocked, somehow miraculously avoiding her swatting hands to keep smushing her cheeks together adorably.]

How can you have companions and not know what this is? They must do it all the time... I bet they never get any work done with such pinchable cheeks right there...

[owlish]

[cannot get more red and indignant and flustered if she tried... still trying to swat/wave his hands away]

Wh-- what nonsense are you spouting? Th-- this is very-- shameful behavior for a man, Mr. Valentinez--

[collateraldamage]

[Silly, Schierke, a real man knows how to appreciate the cuter things in life and coddle them... Or perhaps he's only doing this to distract her from being lost in another world without her friends and currently no way home. Who knows?

Taking his hands back, he pushed himself up to his feet and struck a pose for the benefit of all the... nobody watching, puffing his chest out manfully.]

I vow that I will be the best bodyguard such a cute face deserves!

[owlish]

[such a softie you big derp ;; she is straightening her nightgown, and rubs at her cheeks. which are only pink because he was pinching them, OF COURSE.]

I am capable of taking care of myself! We will stay together if only because we are in a strange situation.

And I would like to ask you not to do that again, please.

[collateraldamage]

R-Right, it is a pretty strange situation, isn't it? Now that you come to mention it, I think it's the strangest I've ever been in. Before I found you I was so scared that my knees were knocking together...

[His smile softens a little bit, wagging a finger at her.]

But now that we're together, I know we'll be okay!

[owlish]

[...alksjdf what is with this man? she is so constantly flustered by him. he is so very blunt and says very strange things!!]

...I am glad you believe so, Mr. Valentinez. I am sure my companions and I will be able to keep you safe until we find a way from this place, as long as we find them.

[collateraldamage]

HAHAHAHAHA!

No, a bodyguard does the protecting, not the other way around! Although I guess a literal bodyguard would be guarding a body. That seems a bit morbid...

[owlish]

[...when is the part of this conversation when you stop talking

she looks away a bit, distracted from his senseless rambling as she listens to the sounds of the house. he said someone else was here, but...]

How large is this house?

[collateraldamage]

[He stops short, which is probably a good thing as he had been about to start crying over the fear of zombies, and blinks at her for a moment or two.]

There's this floor and one the same size downstairs, but that one is guarded by the mean girl I told you about.

[owlish]

And is there a way out? [if she's trapped with this loser and has to wait for help she might climb out the window or something...]

[collateraldamage]

[That's so mean, Vash might cry if she ever voiced such opinions out loud.]

We can go out of the house and around town, but maybe not alone. I think I'd be too scared to go out all by myself, we should go together.

[RUN NOW, SCHIERKE, SAVE YOURSELF!]

[owlish]

[you're a little transparent, Vash... it's clear he thinks he has to shepherd over her, and she won't dissuade him of that notion. after all, she thinks he's more likely to facepalm into a dangerous situation and die than be useful to himself, nevermind her

SO HE NEEDS BABYSITTING

yes you're being babysat by a ten year old enjoy...]

Then we shall go, together. If Guts and his party are not here, we will need to look elsewhere.

[collateraldamage]

[He will enjoy it, because he has no pride to speak of and no sane person would complain about getting looked after by someone with such a cute face.

But wait a minute, something there catches his attention and he holds up his hands in a distinct WHOA NOW gesture, looking more than a bit nervous.]

G-Guts, did you say? Hahaha... that sounds like a pretty fiercesome name, but I bet he's really just a kitten, right? Right?

[owlish]

Mr. Guts is far from a 'kitten.' [HUFF she looks indignant about that comparison!! it's not like she's defending his honor because she likes him or anything...!!!]

He is a capable warrior and my companion. If he is here, he will find me. However, he may be in a situation of duress himself... if that is the case, then he may be in need of my assistance. It's my responsibility as a magic user to do what I can. [sounds sou confident...]

[collateraldamage]

[How lucky that he seems to be too distracted with shaking in fear at that name, that he fails to pick up that she's a magic user. Or so it seems, he'll just be storing that information for now.]

Why would someone name their son 'Guts'? Maybe he doesn't want to be a terrifying sounding warrior, maybe he'd rather raise sheep? I hear being a shepherd is very fulfilling... maybe I should try it sometime.

[owlish]

[.........]

I have not asked.

[said so dully lakjsdf... now she is reaching for his hand again, and beginning leading him down the hall! must investigate the rooms before they get to the stairs to see if anyone else is here.]

Do you always talk to yourself this often, Mr. Valentinez?

[collateraldamage]

[All the time, but that's not what's important here.

What's important is that she's about to lead him downstairs while he's still only wearing a sheet, she's only wearing a nightgown, he has no gun just in case and there's a scary girl with violent tendencies at the bottom.]

Don't you think we should both get dressed before exploring?

[owlish]

Finding our clothing is important, of course! You are wearing a sheet, after all. [hmph! she is not wearing these weird clothes any longer than she has to... she wants her attire from Flora back ;;]

[collateraldamage]

[Ushering her back towards her room now. He fully intends to run out and do a scout of the area before risking taking her out there, just in case.]

I hope your closet is full of cute dresses, make sure to pick the cutest one out.

[owlish]

I do not wish to wear a 'dress.' [hmmmph. this clothing is nearly as bad as the commoner's clothing in that disgusting pub...

she lets him usher her inside, at least... checking through the wardrobe for a very specific set of clothing.]

...