mayfield_rpg | freestyle rap-off: first verse

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freestyle rap-off: first verse

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[Dave wakes from what feels like a particularly refreshing nap, the first one he's had in days... which surprises him, because they're usually filled with horrible monsters his sister would describe as eldrish? eelrelish? Some obscure five-dollar word she's always using in her conversations with him. Whatever the case, it's the first indication that he's not where he's supposed to be, which was on a meteor rocketting through the Furthest Ring at nearly the speed of light. The second is the fact that he's actually on a bed, and a comfy one at that, not a pile of disturbingly decapitated plush dragons. Instinctivelly, he reaches out for his shades... but they're nowhere to be found. That's the last straw, he thinks to himself; paradox space has fucked with me for the last time. He hops out of bed and throws open the curtains, flooding the unfamiliar room with light. Pictures of individuals he's never met line the walls, their poses indicating that they've known each other for quite some time.

Maybe one of his friends is around somewhere, one of the smarter ones that seem to be blessed with knowledge a cool kid like him is insultingly denied almost all the time. He makes his way down the hallway - how does he know his way around the house already? - and finds the phone. Somehow he knows what to do; he guesses it could be some more time shenanigans (isn't it always), but in the back of his mind he's pretty sure it's something worse.]

|phone|

Uh, hey. Rose, you out there? John? Jade? Karkat? Terezi? Hell, I'll even take the murder troll and the glowy one whose name I can't remember right now, no offense. Um, what the hell happened? Is this the new session already? It doesn't feel like it. Plus I can't find my circus pjs; don't get me wrong, they were goofy as shit, but I'm starting to miss them. It's like they were my captor and I've got Stockholm Syndrome for them: "Oh man I should make fun of you because you look like shitty cosplay but for some reason I want you all over my body like two people getting their grinds on". Except not that graphic 'cuz doing it with clothes is probably illegal here.

Anyway get back to me. Later.

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[Huh. There's a familiar voice. Sounds like he doesn't remember anything, though.]

Dave? It's Mr. Egbert - John's dad. You probably don't remember me, but if you'd like to come over, we can talk about this over a slice of cake.

[Who's this dou... oh wait, Dave suddenly recognizes the person on the other line.]

Oh, hey, Mr. Egbert. Yeah, I remember you; John used to ramble about you all the time. What's your address? I'll be on over in a few.

Welcome back, Dave.

[She's actually kind of relieved. She liked Dave and was sad to see him go.]

311 Miller Street. Rose and her mom live here too, but Rose doesn't come out of her room much these days, so you may not get to see her.

...Coolkid?

[Terezi speaks hesitantly, as though disbelieving.] Is that you?

[Huh. Sounds a touch like Rose, but he knows Rose's voice, and this isn't her. Not completely? Bluh bluh.]

Back? I think I'd know if I'd ever been in some 50s-era suburbia. Maybe one of the doomed Daves somehow flicked the wrong switch on his time tables and ended up in Perfectville, USA. That's how most of them die, you know, they scratch the record wrong and instead of producing some sick beats, they get booed out of the club and tossed out on their felt-wearing asses right into a pre-rap timeline.

Oh, hey, Dave! You must be regular flavor Dave because orange Dave is already here. He's a bird, though. Anyway, Jade and Karkat live in the same house and Terezi and John are here, too!

Right. This is Feferi! I am excited that you are back. I think Jade has reely missed you!

[Oh man, it's her. He's not sure if he's up for her flirty/psychotic attitude right now, but what the hell, maybe she's got some more answers for him.]

Hey, you. I don't see any other cool kids around here - not that I've explored much, but really, I can't imagine anyone in this McCarthy-era universe being cooler than me. Except maybe another me from the future, who'd have my coolness plus the coolness of doing his own thing. So was I right? Is this the new session?

I see...

And how, pray tell, do you know that you aren't one of these 'doomed Daves?'

Oh man, don't tell me she went all grimdark again. I didn't even know that was a thing that could happen, but then again lots of crap - sorry, stuff - that I've dealt with over the last three days has been pretty out-there. If she's gone all Chthulu-fangirl again, maybe I can pap-shoosh her back into only a near-borderline obsession with those disturbing tomes of hers, we'll see. Anyways, catch you in a little while; I'd be there already but I can't seem to time travel right now.

[Dave cracks open the front door and steps outside. A gentle breeze brushes by; the temperature hasn't been this nice for him for a long time. With address in hand, he starts making his way to Mr. Egbert's house.]

Huh, good point; I thought going God Tier meant that I was definitely the alpha Dave, but I guess there's still room for doomed Daves to keep cropping up. So this might be a dream bubble after all; I guess it isn't out of the question that the murder troll went nuts again and started killing. Karkat said that he was moyrailing him or something, though, and that was supposed to stop the random killings and beheadings or something. I could never understand the four-way romance thing those guys had going; it's like, hey, you're like my best friend, but we've got all these bro-hugs going on to pacify each other and make sure we don't go killing one another, so we're kinda in love? I dunno.

Feferi?

Oh man, what? Karkat showed me your body; you're alive now? Or am I dead and this is a dream bubble after all?

Also you're the second person to say "welcome back". Just how many Daves have been here? Aside from Bird Dave, who's me but not really me, I guess he's his own thing since he fused with my kernelsprite. Someone's gonna have to give me the 411 on what those other Daves have been doing; clearly not being in control of my mad time skills (imagine that being spelled with a zee at the end for added cool factor) has made a mess of things.

[he doesn't seem to remember a thing! Terezi's vascular organ drops through her digestion sac a little, but that's okay. at least he's back and not a drone.]

Don't worry, you are still on the top tier of cool kids! And... no, this isn't the new session. It is another universe, but not the one we asked for.

Well, teenagers do need their space, after all. I'm not too worried. Rose is a good girl. I'll see you in a few minutes.

[By the time Dave gets to 311 Miller, there is already the scent of cake wafting out the slightly cracked window of the kitchen. Was Dad already working on baking something even before he answered Dave's call?]

If it helps, I'm fairly sure the distinction between timelines is rather moot at this point. And I have to agree, trolls do seem to have complex personal relationships.

At any rate, it's nice to see that you're back. Does your brother know you've returned?

Well that sucks, I guess. Oh well, what's one universe versus another, right? I mean, from the looks of this place being the opposite of ravaged by a crazy one-armed flying dog man, I'd say Jack isn't a problem anymore, so whatever. Maybe we can hijack some big apartment somewhere and get our hanging out on.

This is not a dreambubble! I am alive and I plan to stay that way, even if the town makes that practically impossible. It is such a pain in the bass!

Anemoneway, I only know one previous Dave. He was a coolkid, to use Terezi's words! I didn't get to glub at him all that much, but either way, he was cool.

Oh, your birdself once turned into a zombiebird. Kanaya and I almost had to chainsaw him. Sorry about that!

As long as I don't have to deal with the whole dying thing that doomed Daves seem to run into like a hungry coyote into a wall while chasing after a speeding bird for his dinner, I'm down with whatever universe this is. And it looks like the guy we were running from to begin with isn't around, so that's another bonus.

...wait, what? Bro's here? Man, dead peeps keep cropping up left and right all around here. Farmer Dave's got a good harvest of formerly-dead acquaintences, gonna trade 'em at the state fair for two hogs and a chicken each.

[Dave groans a bit each time some maritime-related pun crops up. Nevertheless, the thought of the town coming to life to kill him grabs his attention.]

The town's trying to kill us? Didn't we JUST leave a universe that seemed hell-bent on making us permadead? Bad universes; dead Daves are the enemy.

I wouldn't worry about Alternate Future Dave; if what John's told me is true, he survived an encounter with Jack Noir and ended up chillin' with him and Jade for a while. I'm sure he's not holding a grudge about being on the receiving end of another bisecting.

You still have a charming way with words, I see.

[Mom thinks he is just adorable.]

Yes, your brother is here. And I think he was quite concerned when you left.

The town tends to do reely bad shit about once a month. Last month was hell, because while normally, you're not permadead here, some dumbasses broke the machine that lets it revive us. I got culled by the Condesce - the troll Empress, avoid her because she's shithive maggots - and everyone, me included, thought I was permadead again.

Eventually, it got fixed, but not without a lot of reely bad things happening. They were doing stuff like changing people's blood color and stuff. Not fun.

Whale, he did shoot a laser with really shitty art powers at my house once.

[The smell of freshly-baked goods draws Dave's attention immediately. Sure, alchemizing some tasty treats that weren't disgusting troll pies helped sate him those few days he was on the meteor, but an actual, honest-to-goodness cake is a delicacy in its own right, especially since his bro's definition of cooking was calling the pizza guy.

Dave knocks on the door and greets Mr. Egbert with a curt nod but a slightly reserved stance. One never knows when he'll need to Strife with an adult, after all.]

Hey, Mr. Egbert. Did... did you just finish baking that cake? John told me you were good in the kitchen, but damn, if that thing tastes half as good as it smells you could probably put the Batterwitch herself to shame.

[Dave can't help but feel a bit smug at her words.]

I'm a lyrical mastermind, er... huh. I don't think I ever asked who you are. My bad.

Do you know where Bro is right now? I should probably catch up with him when I get a chance; seems I've got a whole bunch of clothes pressing devices in the inferno at the moment.

[It's cool, man. Dad doesn't have his Coddlebrand Guardian Rubric back yet, so he's not 100% up to snuff as far as strifing is concerned anyway. But dude does throw a mean pie, just sayin'.

Things Dave may also have noticed on his way inside: the giant statue of Zazzerpan the Learned out on the front lawn. Since that's also pretty much a dead giveaway that Rose and her mom live here.

At any rate, Dad answers the door wearing oven mitts.]

Just now, yeah. You've got good timing. Come on in, have a seat.

[And as Dave makes his way through the house, he will also probably notice that the place is ~~tastefully~~ decorated with statues and paintings of both harlequins and wizards. Mom and Dad got them back at the same time, and they've been making the place feel like home. Dad whistles to himself as he heads back toward the kitchen to take the cake out of the oven.]

He's got shitty art powers? Damn, what a badass. Now I want to update Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff. Maybe make some scathing commentary on communism-fearing americans and how it makes us all conform to the nuclear-stereotype of 2.5 kids and a dog. How do you even get half a kid? Do these people get all Solomon on their offspring and divide them for the sake of maintaining peace? Oh here you go I don't want to raise a fuss about that picket fence so have the right half of my kid. He can swing the baseballs bat pretty good with that arm so raise him right and he'll go on to win the World Championship Ball Game trophy.

Anyways that sucks about your getting temporarily perma-dead again. I think Terezi mentioned the troll empress once or twice to me; she's what you call your ancestor, right? Terezi's tried to get me to read up about hers but I can't read the chicken scratches of a blind girl that well.

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freestyle rap-off: first verse

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