♋ 24

[crusthatecean]

[Action; Hospital]

[Karkat wakes up sometime during the day on January 29th outside the hospital with a violent start that leaves him shaking. It's not unfamiliar to him to wake from a nightmare, but this is different. His last waking memories are unclear, but he remembers knowing he was going to die, losing so much of his sickening blood that it was all he could see, and then he remembers nothing, and nothing, and nothing for so long that if he starts to think about it he feels as though he'll lose his mind. He can't even close his eyes for a moment to gather his thoughts because the moment he does, the nothing is back, dark shapes swimming in it black on black but so clearly there, things he can't concentrate on because they're too terrible to acknowledge existence. This isn't unfamiliar either; it's the way he felt when his dreamself died, but so much more of it, and he's really gotten used to sleeping again.

The first thing he does is to try and vomit, because he feels sick and strange and his vascular sac hurts in his chest and he's freezing cold but he isn't shivering, but nothing comes up except the taste of blood and the feeling of it stuck to the back of his mouth and his throat. It's the same quality of the blood in the horrible gash around his middle; the wound is open but the blood is so thick and sluggish it's in no danger of bleeding again, and it draws his attention to his situation.

He's out in the open wearing clothes completely covered in still wet blood, with a large open wound making it clear whose it is, and while he isn't in danger of dying anymore, he doesn't want to be here. Still shuddering, he pulls himself to his feet and wraps his arms around his middle, completely failing to disguise the telling bright red covering most of him, and starts walking as quickly as he can for home, head and eyes facing the ground to avoid speaking to anyone if possible.]

[Action; 1338 Benny Road]

[And he will make it there eventually, but when he does, he'll have an awful surprise waiting for him in his respite block. His own bloodless body would normally be enough to upset him, but it won't even be a concern once he finds Gamzee dead there as well. He knows the idiot clown well enough to have a good idea what happened, what happened being that he completely failed to bother looking after himself or to get anyone to help him with what were obviously treatable injuries. While his grief is somewhat relieved by the fact that he knows the dead will probably come back, he's still completely furious. With himself for letting this happen at all, for being such a legendarily terrible moirail, and with everyone else for not bothering to take care of Gamzee in his absence.

Once he's taken a moment to come to terms with the situation, he'll immediately go looking for anyone else in the house to take that out on.]

[Phone; Public]

[He picks up the phone and speaks with uncharacteristically little preamble; he's too exhausted and sad to come up with reasons to be angry right now, and it's clear from his voice.]

I need everyone to check in with me now. Trolls and...the rest of you who are for some reason or other part of my life. Just do it. Are any of you still alive?

It turns out I've been gone nearly four days, so someone needs to get me up to speed. Please.

Comments

[crusthatecean]

[He's quiet for a few seconds, trying to decide what he wants to say. At the moment it hadn't seemed to matter, but in retrospect he's so ashamed that Lucas was there to watch that, to see his blood and to see him so weak and pathetic, to sap his energy and completely fail at not dying. He's not stupid, he knows Lucas won't see it this way, but he feels as though something in the way he just could not be brought back from the brink made obvious how fundamentally useless he is.]

I'm back. Who did what?

[a_gentle_boy]

N-Nothing. No one. Karkat, I... I...

[For no discernible reason, Lucas opts out of words entirely and begins to bawl. Oh, no. This was probably the last thing he wanted to say. And certainly the last thing Karkat wanted to hear. He attempts to get himself under control.]

I-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I just... I couldn't do anything. I couldn't do anything. A-A-And I'd said all those things a-and I couldn't even... the first thing you a-asked me and... I let you die.

I'm sorry...

[crusthatecean]

Shit. Stop it!

[He really doesn't know what to say to this, but he definitely doesn't want him to cry. He's just flustered and awkward.]

You idiot, what do you think I was expecting from you? From the moment I ask you a favor, if Mayfield decides to make me bleed incessantly no matter what, all resulting consequences are your fault?

You spent...I don't even know how long it was, but you spent that time trying to fucking fix me despite it being an obviously hopeless endeavor. It's not what I asked you to do at first but my second instinct was right, it would have been best if I didn't die, and you did everything you could. Why the hell would you have to be sorry, that's just moronic.

[a_gentle_boy]

[Lucas stops it. After a few more hiccups and sniffles. ...And another few. At last, he exhales heavily, seeming to get his voice back under control.]

Sorry... [For crying.]

It just... feels like the best I could do wasn't enough. Well. It wasn't enough. If I had tried harder or... if I hadn't tried to do you both at the same time or wasted it in the beginning... It shouldn't have had to happen at all.

...I'm glad you're OK.

[crusthatecean]

There were stupid decisions made on my part, too. I shouldn't have waited to get your help, maybe it would have actually stayed healed if I hadn't.

[His opinion on whether dying to save healing for his friends was a good idea seems to have done a complete 180 here.]

In the end it probably didn't matter. And if I even had an issue with you, I promise you it would not be that you tried to save him, too.

[a_gentle_boy]

[Lucas lapses into silence again for a few moments.]

I still feel awful. I know it wasn't worth much last time, but if there's anything I can do...

How is he? You've talked to him, right? He... was really upset at first, but only for a few moments. I think he was a lot stronger than I could have been. ...He was really good.

[crusthatecean]

Don't. You did a lot, all right? You know, everyone has always told me I make too much out of things that aren't my fault. I look at that as bullshit, because I am not a fucking moron, I'm not delusional, when I see something that is clearly my fucking fault, I think I'm capable of recognizing that.

But I don't know, you sort of have me reconsidering my perspective, I have never met anyone so willing to blame himself for things that he clearly didn't cause, just attempted to prevent.

[He makes a non-committal sigh, tired and sad.]

Lucas, the thing about Gamzee, is...the thing about him is that it's more complicated than would be easy for a human to really understand. I don't even think he's really easy for a troll to understand. I'm his moirail and I don't always understand him.

But what I do understand is that just because someone acts like they aren't affected and they're fine with everything and miracles will just come down from the sky and fix every problem they have doesn't actually mean they're strong. He isn't all that strong at all, which is my fault because I think he could be if he had the chance to try.

It's not all that easy. There's a difference between someone who is fine and someone who decides not to feel anything negative because he doesn't want to deal with it, and Gamzee is the latter.

[a_gentle_boy]

[The weight of the world is on his shoulders. It was something he had accepted a long time ago, something he still can't entirely shake off, even when it no longer applied, even in a place where he was clearly of about as much importance as a speck of dust floating about in the universe. The words he had repeated so many times now summed up his thoughts on the matter.

I barely knew you and I let it happen.

Somehow, it was worse that he could allow a mere acquaintance to suffer in such a manner. His close friends were of no greater importance than a stranger on the street - Everyone in the world was of irreplaceable value to someone else. For anyone, then, it was necessary that he do his absolute best. To his friends, who knew and loved him, he could depend on them to have faith in him. He could assuage his guilt in knowing they wouldn't hold such failures against him. To a stranger... There was nothing to know apart from that he had let them down.

It is complicated. But he knows that Karkat is right, even if his heart continues to be pained. And he knows, too, that he is speaking without perspective. This wasn't about how he felt at all. When he speaks again, his voice is much steadier.]

I'm sorry.

You come back from the dead, and we spend ten minutes talking about how guilty I feel. ...It shouldn't be like that. And this isn't me doing my blaming myself thing, either. I mean it. I haven't even asked you how you are.

And Gamzee... I should have seen it, too. You're right. I know exactly what you mean, and I know... those are the type of people who need someone to be by them the most. Not to make everything better, but to help them be able to be strong.

Please tell him I'm sorry for not coming back. For just thinking he would be fine by himself.

[crusthatecean]

I don't care, it's fine. I don't really want to talk about how I feel anyway.

[He hesitates for a second before speaking bluntly.]

He's dead.

That isn't your fault either. It isn't your job to know what he needs and I doubt you could have given it to him. Your life probably would have been in danger if you tried to bother him when he didn't want you there. That isn't an exaggeration and it isn't something you should repeat.

[a_gentle_boy]

[Apologizing had been specifically disallowed. The only response remaining is stunned silence.]

I don't understand.

[Anything. What Karkat just said, how Gamzee could be dead, why was this happening, what was going on?]

OK. He's... dead. I. Are you going to be alright?

[crusthatecean]

Marginally. Yes, in a few days or whenever he comes back.

I expected something like this, why do you think I changed my mind about letting you help me? It could have been a lot worse.

[a_gentle_boy]

Are you saying... he killed himself? Because you were gone?

[crusthatecean]

No. Fuck no, nothing like that.

It's just that, what I was saying before, about him just not dealing with things that upset him...

On a good day, he isn't someone who's able to take care of himself. Before, the reason I called you...he was bleeding like that, but it didn't hurt, so he just decided not to worry about it and let it go. He wouldn't have asked for any help if I hadn't made him.

On a bad day, he's even worse. He just doesn't try. That's what happened, as far as I can tell. It looks like it opened up again and he probably could have fixed it if he'd asked someone to help him, but he just didn't try.

[a_gentle_boy]

I hadn't even thought it could come back again. If I'd known... But you think it's better that I never checked on him?

[crusthatecean]

[He can't really feel that way; he can't think it was a good thing that Gamzee, who hates being lonely so much, died by himself with no one there to care. But it isn't Lucas' fault and Lucas doesn't deserve to feel guilty about this.]

Probably not. I can't say what he'd do, but he can be dangerous when he's upset.

[a_gentle_boy]

...I'm pretty good with danger, honestly.

[There is the sense that Karkat, with unerring foresight, is attempting to stave off any awkwardly tearful outpourings of guilt and remorse in advance, so Lucas quietly lets it be. He will consider his degree of guilt later and come to the conclusion that he had, perhaps, failed Gamzee even worse than he had failed Karkat, given his broken promise of returning to help Gamzee clean up.

There was only so much failure to consider before it built up into something that didn't sound like a word anymore, let alone something actually pertinent to his emotional state, and so Lucas will simply chalk this all up into one big incredible astonishing all-encompassing failure.

...This was stupid. Lucas stops letting his fevered imagination take over and sighs heavily.]

Karkat, I know you said you didn't want to talk about it, but honestly. How do you feel? If it's too embarrassing, there is a reason I'd like to know besides just wanting to take about feelings, although that isn't really a bad thing, either.

[crusthatecean]

[Well, that comment sort of surprises him.]

Yeah, I feel like shit, actually.

What is the incredibly important reason you want to know?

[a_gentle_boy]

...

The revivals now... They're not normal. Someone is specially doing them, and she... I found out a little later that she wasn't a... very good person.

When you say that, do you mean you're just feeling bad about the situation? Not that that's not important, but... there's nothing else wrong?

[crusthatecean]

Oh. Fair enough. No, it isn't a normal revival. I'll just give you my symptoms instead of dancing around them, it's the least I can do.

My wound didn't heal like it normally would, but there's no danger of it bleeding. My bloodpusher is barely functioning; there's almost no pulse, and my wind tubes aren't really working. Essentially, all things considered, I clearly shouldn't be walking around and talking to you, but here I am.

The only other thing is...I'm not sure if it's part of the fucked revivals or if it's just me. I'm seeing some fucked up things if I sleep or close my eyes, but I think that's...see, there are these things we all have, dream selves, and you apparently don't usually know you have one. But if the asshole goes and dies, those kind of horrorterror visions are pretty normal, and mine is very dead. It hasn't bothered me since coming here, so it might just be that it came back on its own.

[a_gentle_boy]

Oh.

[His voice shakes a tad bit at first when he responds.]

I-I don't know about the nightmares, but... I can try to see what I can do about the rest, if you'd like. I should at least be able to close the wound fully.

[crusthatecean]

No, and I think this time I'm not being grotesquely up my own ass by telling you to save your help for someone who needs it. The only complaint I have about this thing is that it looks ugly; otherwise, it isn't bothering me at all.

There isn't anyone with problems that aren't purely aesthetic you can worry about?

[a_gentle_boy]

...I like to think I have enough worry to cover all of my friends.

Honestly, I don't know what's going on anymore. My best friends have all disappeared; people are just falling over dead in the middle of the street; I haven't been able to leave my room. Just worrying.

[crusthatecean]

Mm.

[There's a lot contained in that non-committal sound; he understands that feeling well, how it can hurt so much more than any injury to feel helpless, to be the one left behind unable to do anything while everyone around you suffers.]

All right, fair enough. I'm just not sure it's a good idea to mess with it.

I'm still hearing in from the others, but if any of them are hurt I'll send you their way.

[a_gentle_boy]

If you'd really prefer to leave it alone... OK. And, please. Even with all this, I want to do everything I can.

[Lucas pauses for a moment.]

Um. Karkat. If you had a choice... would you want Gamzee to be revived now?

[crusthatecean]

What kind of a question is that. Of course I would.

[Despite how matter of fact he's been about everything so far, his voice kind of cracks on this one. Even though he's confident he's coming back, he wants his moirail right now.]