Six Doomed Timelines - The Hangover

[cawtier]

[Phone]

What day is it? What happened while I was out?

And why do I have a nest full of coins, a beak full of roadkill and a memory full of empty?

[Action]

[Much less disoriented, Davesprite can now be found around town, kicking up some totally ill beats, or at least he would if he could still beatbox. Just pretend the ill beats are there as he starts rapping.]

Right back here in Mayfield,
But now I got some sick beats to wield
To go along with my sweet sylladex,
If you mess with me, it's you that it wrecks!

[For the uninitiated, it may seem like pure magic that a spatula comes flying out of nowhere and strikes a nearby stop sign, but anyone who's had a sylladex knows what's up, especially if they're familiar with the voice-activated hash-modus.

W+R+E+C+K+S
2+2+1+2+2+2 = 11%10 = 1R1 = 1
S+P+A+T+U+L+A
2+2+1+2+1+2+1 = 11%10 = 1R1 = 1]

Honestly, you got nothing on me,
It's hard to see why you'd be crazy
Enough to challenge my right
In a hash-rap fight!
(2+1+2+2+2 = 9%10 = 0R9 = 9)

[And next, a brick (2+2+1+2+2 = 9%10 = 0R9 = 9) comes shooting out, putting putting a dent in the sign.]

Aww yeah, still got it.

[Proudly, Davesprite flies over to land on the defeated stop sign.]

Anyone who wants a piece of this? Can bring it on!
(2+1+2+2+2+1+2+2+1+2+1+2 = 20%10 = 2R0 = 0)

[At which point, Lil Cal (2+1+2+2+1+2 = 10%10 = 1R0 = 0) comes flying out right at him and smacks Dave in the face, sending him falling on to the pavement squawking and flapping desperately]

Oh holy shit get it off me!

Comments

[Action]

[noluckduck]

[Clover, who's been watching since the beginning and trying to figure out where exactly this ranks on her list of Weirdest Shit She's Ever Seen, eventually comes and rescues Davesprite by, uh. By picking up Cal by the back of his shirt.]

Dude, it's just a fuckin' puppet. [It's clear from the look on her face that the thing bothers her a bit too, though.

... Huh. Didn't she see it with Karkat at some point?... Eh.]

[cawtier]

[Dave flaps about a bit before flipping onto his feet and shaking out his wings.]

Naw man, it's like, the fucking puppet. Lil Cal's a bro. Just took me by surprise, that's all.

[noluckduck]

What, you're tellin' me ya like this thing too? [Okay good now have it back.]

[cawtier]

Why wouldn't I? Lil Cal's totally awesome. I'd be bumping so many fists with him if I still had fists.

[noluckduck]

He sorta looks really fuckin' creepy.

... And even if he didn't, what ya just said was the dumbest thing I've heard all day.

[cawtier]

You just have no appreciation of irony.

What? Do these look like they're made for fist bumps? Huh? [He flaps a wing at her]

[noluckduck]

Not that! What kinda loser gives a puppet a fistbump?

[cawtier]

Dude, Lil Cal's a bro and I think I've left him hanging long enough.

[Yeah that's Lil Cal just... disappearing into whatever mysterious space Sylladice operate in]

[noluckduck]

[Clover would probably be a lot more freaked out if she hadn't seen one Mr. Egbert conjuring hundreds of pies out of nowhere before.]

So is that thing yours?

[cawtier]

Nah it's my Bro's but I guess I'm holding onto it while he's not here? It arrived on my doorstep recently, but he had it when he was around.

[noluckduck]

Is he a... ventriloquist or some shit?

[cawtier]

Yeah, he's got this rapping puppet routine and everything it's pretty sick.

[He also uses the puppet to beat the shit out of Dave without ever laying a finger on him but who needs to hear that? That's right, no one.]

[noluckduck]

[... Rapping puppet routine.]

You're fuckin' with me again, aren't ya?

[cawtier]

Yes, totally fucking with. I just love to pretend my Bro's a totally rad dude whose coolness transcends the popular masses; he's actually just some pasty nerd who likes ponies and robots.

[noluckduck]

...

So you're tryin' to tell me ya think rappin' puppets are cool?

[cawtier]

It's an ironic level of coolness. You wouldn't understand.

[noluckduck]

Ironic?

... Dude, are you a hipster?

[cawtier]

What? No, fuck that shit. Hipsters wear shitty scarves and dorky glasses instead of shades that are awesome on both ironic and unironic levels. Also, they fucking suck at dropping the fat beats. Even when they let their beats descend their are completely lightweight.

[noluckduck]

Oh my god, you're a fuckin' dork.

[She looks amused, though.]

[cawtier]

Fuck you, you just can't comprehend the many layers of irony and coolness and ironic coolness inside me like the filling of a sandwich all you can see is the white bread outside without comprehending the delicious artistry inside. Motherfucking dagwood full of coolness, with a heavy garnish of ass-kicking.

[Doing again]

[noluckduck]

Gotta hand it to ya, you're cooler than a lot of people around here.

[cawtier]

Damn right I am.

[roadrolling]

[I sure did just watch a puppet assault a crow]

♪ Whoa, whoa, here. I'll help.

[removes the puppet]

♪ There you go, little guy. Safe and free.

[... he may not actually have heard Davesprite talk at any point]

hope ya don't mind double teams 8D

[roadroller]

[Accompanying Len is his twin sister, who took a look around and is now eying Lil' Cal dubiously.]

Jeez, where did that thing even come out from? ♪

[cawtier]

Oh great, twins. [At least they don't look creepy? He'll hop up on his birdy feet once the puppet's off him.]

It's magic. Wanna see my next trick? Watch me stow it (0).

[And just like that, Lil Cal (0) disappears out of Len's hand. If they're sharp enough, they might catch a glimpse of some kind of orange and yellow card swooping in out of just above Davesprite as it happens.]

[roadrolling]

[well, Len isn't. he's too surprised that the crow talked]

♪ --Whoa!!

[roadroller]

[it's true; you don't even need sleight of hand when you're a talking bird magician.]

Cool~! ♪

[cawtier]

Aww yeah look and be amazed. Though it's really nothing special unless you're from some suck-ass world that doesn't even have sylladices? I'm still not entirely sure how that is a thing. Seriously, that's worse than Egbert.

[roadrolling]

♪ Sylladices...?

Um - I didn't realize you were a talking bird.

[roadroller]

Hehe, Len~, he's bright orange! You gotta use your head, he's obviously not a drone bird. ♪

[Rin is just being a brat though. She totally didn't realize either.]

[cawtier]

Yeah, sylladices. A sylladex is pretty much the only way to carry things otherwise what the hell would you do, load it all up in your arms?

I was a drone until this morning. Pretty sure I was still orange too.

[roadrolling]

♪ Well, uh... yeah? Or a purse or a backpack or something. That's what we do.

I didn't know they droned birds too...

[roadroller]

Yeah, sorry to hear it. ♪

[cawtier]

A total pain in the ass is what it is. Plus I really doubt you can weaponize a purse.

Whatever, it's cool. I guess they'll drone anyone who isn't, well, a drone.

[roadrolling]

♪ You can totally weaponize a purse!

[roadroller]

Yeah, just put a brick or two in it and swing like crazy. ♪

[cawtier]

Okay, maybe if you live in, like, the stone age. Can't even have a hash-rap battle like that.

Phone

[sunnydwithagun]

Depending on when you left, you might've missed the weekend that made everyone act unlike themselves, giving them alternate histories.

As for the second question...perhaps you were droned?

[cawtier]

Yeah pretty much did not see that.

I figured it was that or a pretty wicked party.

[sunnydwithagun]

It was probably for the best...it was very bad.

(It made Django into his bad end vampire AU and he's really not happy about that.)

A party would've been much better, honestly. At least then I'd have a reason to blame alcohol for everyone acting strange.

[cawtier]

Alternate timeline bullshit is always a mess. [I mean, just look at him... BIRD GHOST CROW BOY THING]

Damn, no parties? I was hoping there'd be some hilarious stories to tell afterward.

[sunnydwithagun]

Yes, I have to agree with you there. (At least bird ghost crow boy could still be cool!)

None that I'm aware of, really. There was a lot I missed, so I'm sure there's someone out there who would know about parties during that weekend if it happened.

[cawtier]

Oh man you missed shit too? This is turning into the most useless information exchange ever. Blind people leading blind people and all that shit.

[sunnydwithagun]

I wish I could be more useful in that regard. However, there is a saying about birds of a feather...

(Though he really wasn't intending on making bird puns AT ALL. Kinda just let it slip.)

[cawtier]

You are not a fucking bird. You don't even have feathers.

[sunnydwithagun]

It's...a figure of speech, referring to those who are like-minded or share specific qualities.

[cawtier]

Dude, I was joking.

[sunnydwithagun]

Oh...alright then.

(Pardon Django; he is derp.)

Well if I come across any more information, I'll be sure to let you know.