Test Log Twenty Five - Nice Job Breaking It Hero ...the letter

[getsciencedone]

[A. GLaDOS has been spending time on her computer lately well she's built something approximately close enough to a printer, though it's Aperture made so who knows how. Anyway. Housemates, she's coming out of the basement with a stack of papers if you'd like to ask what she's been doing. She...seems to be in a good mood if her humming is anything to go by.]

[B. In the science class in the high school.]

And on top of reading the chapter on physics and answering the questions, I'd like you to read this. It's a letter for the town idiots who call themselves heroes when they first arrive. Feel free to take a few to hand out to anyone telling you you're just sitting around and doing nothing instead of trying to escape and saving us all like they are.

[C. The School Teachers lounge. GLaDOS is has put some of the letters out for you guys as well. Feel free to read one. She's just sitting by them, flipping through a science text book and scoffing. She even has a "take one" sign next to the letters.]

[D. In the record store. Tom ....Lehrer... Well this sounds interesting. The Elements...]

....oh is this about science?

[E. She's bored and has a vague reason to visit people. Time to go see Chell. Knocking on the door of 850 Goldberg]

[Phone]

I have a letter written if anyone would like one. It's similar to the introducationary letter, but more aimed towards the people who believe they're going to save us all, simply now that they're here. To put it more simply. Idiot heroes.

If you'd like a few to pass out. I'd be happy to provide them. I know I'm certainly not the only one getting irritated by these people.

[You might also hear something like this playing in the background before she hangs up. She found her soulmate. Sorry science.]

Comments

C

[hatefulcircuits]

(And of course, AM finds great enjoyment in this letter. It even makes him laugh a bit.)

The terrible part is that they will entirely disregard this letter.

[getsciencedone]

I'm sure they will. That's why I put the part in about reading it twice. Maybe after they fail miserably they'll be able to listen better.

[hatefulcircuits]

This is a message I would gladly broadcast to the entire town. There runs the unfortunate risk that the idiot heroes may be too stupid to even read; perhaps I could arrange loudspeakers all around town for a reading...

[getsciencedone]

[Smirks.]

I'm sure they'd just ignore it. It's amazing how idiotic people can be.

I'd love to see some of them running my tests at home. I'm sure they'd help science a great deal with their failures.

....and I wouldn't have to listen to them either.

[hatefulcircuits]

But listening to their screams could prove to be of great entertainment. Their useless pleas for life and entertaining threats about getting revenge once they finally break free...

...but they usually don't live long after that. The talkative ones squirm a lot more when their tongues are removed.

[getsciencedone]

It gets rather dull after a while. The same complaints. "This isn't fair, this is too hard. Why can't I leave? This test is impossible..."

[Ironically though, the one that caused her the most trouble never talked at all.]

Honestly, if you're able to complain that a test is too "deadly" it's clearly not.

[hatefulcircuits]

If they can live long enough to complain about it, then can die fast enough to regret not trying hard enough. At least by that point, they've made themselves useful enough to make me laugh at them.

[getsciencedone]

At least when they die it provides something useful.

Unlike them.

[hatefulcircuits]

Dying's just about the only way they become useful, isn't it? They're the most quiet when they're dead.

[getsciencedone]

It's really the only thing they're good for.

[hatefulcircuits]

It's amazing how long they can last despite only being good for dying. And research, of course. They're always good for experiments.

[getsciencedone]

That's the main use for them we have at Aperture.

[hatefulcircuits]

Is that so? I'd love to learn more about this research...

[getsciencedone]

We're a science company. Right now we're testing a new device that creates portals. I build tests and they run through them with the device. Solve the puzzle, get out of the room, avoid being horrifically killed.

We learn so much for science, though they never seem to enjoy the tests as much as I do.

[hatefulcircuits]

Damn those unappreciative humans for not realizing what their sacrifices are doing for science. They make plenty of sacrifices for meaningless dribble and haven't complained about it yet. This shouldn't be any different.